What is and What Should Never Be

Some combos simply don’t work, so why should we be subjected to them?

What is and what should never be

It’s #sad that so many young people don’t know who Roger Miller was. Of course, I’m not sure how many older people know who Roger Miller was, but it’s the young people, those who think that pop culture began with the Kardashians, and that the only cultural event that ever existed of any particular note was Coachella, those are the young minds that give me pause. (Yes, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right, I possess not even the first clue regarding what “Coachella” is, and if it’s at all possible, I care even less, but I’m going to take a wild stab here and say it’s probably something stupid.)

At any rate, Roger Miller was a country music star who wrote some of the biggest country as well as pop hits of the 1960s. My father was a huge fan, and some of my best memories of him, and one of the few memories I have of him being really relaxed was when was listening to Roger Miller. Miller’s biggest hit which I would imagine most people over the age of I’d say 40 probably are aware of is the song King of the Road. He also wrote all of the music and lyrics to the Tony Award winning musical Big River. In his musical career he scored a boatload of hits, which included three number one singles, so we are not talking about some one-hit wonder like Falco or M.

Roger Miller mixed good old fashioned guitar picking with humourous lyrics, and a little bit of hillbilly poetry to become one of the biggest cross-over country stars of the 1960s. Even today if I hear a Roger Miller song I can’t help but start a-whittlin’. (Getty Images)

One of my favorite Roger Miller classics involves an idea that my eldest son and I were discussing a few weeks ago, and it deals with what I will refer to for lack of a better description as “bad combos.” In other words, two competing ideas, people, foods, or interactions that simply don’t mesh no matter how hard we try to imagine that they do. Miller spelled out this concept in his vital and satirical piece entitled You Can’t Rollerskate in a Buffal0 Heard. This paean to all things contrary is included on his Golden Hits record, so you know it’s an important song, The song goes as follows..

(Right off the bat, the idea that you should be free to do whatever you want is marginalized by the cold logic of the consideration that happiness isn’t tied to doing foolish things. Amen Roger. You Tube)

The legendary Lynyrd Skynyrd spoke of the things you should do in order to have a happy life in Simple Man, such as finding a woman, avoiding greed, and staying humble. Roger Miller made clear what you shouldn’t be doing if you wish to lead a happy life. Two sides of the same coin? Ah, perhaps. Amongst the ideas that he favored that I believe are words to live by even today over 50 years after he first penned them include, but are not limited to..

1. Don’t rollerskate in a buffalo herd. — This is a stunt better left for the cast of Jackass.
2. You can’t change film with a kid on your back — This advice while sound, is rarely an issue in the modern world thanks to digital cameras. Since most parents overindulge their children today, the absence of having to change film any longer allows for more interactive parenting, such as attempting to perform key tasks with a kid on your back.
3. You can’t drive around with a tiger in your car — Foolishly, this was attempted in the movie, The Hangover, and it led to needlessly tragic, yet hilarious circumstances.

Despite this sound advice, there are always people who are looking to flout convention, and do their own thing. What’s worse, too many people in this “I’m okay, you’re okay” world encourage reckless and foolhardy mixing and matching of ideas and concepts that can only lead to disaster. It’s sad enough that Americans have lost their faith in our institutions, but now we see individuals throwing together heinous combinations without even once thinking about how it stains us as a people, and it’s more than I can bear.

The hands belong to my sister-in-law, the concept however, I’m not so sure. I’m all for magnets and speaking Yiddish, but a Yiddish magnetic poetry kit seems like a conglomeration that simply doesn’t go together. You know the old saying “Throw a bunch of sh!t against the wall to see what sticks.” Somebody appears to have taken that concept literally. (Hoffman Collection)

In other words, despite people’s best efforts and intentions, some combinations simply don’t work. Sometimes the combo can be couples that don’t belong together. Other times it’s in the realm of the culinary world. Certain food pairings should never go together, and yet some reckless yahoo has decided to do some experimenting, and now we are all burdened with their concept. How about those musicians from different musical genres who decide that working together is a must because they are “fans” of each other. They are wreaking havoc on two musical concepts. I decided that since the public at large has seemingly given up any responsibility in objecting to these ill-conceived pairings, it falls upon yours truly to point these mistakes out so you can be on-guard against those who would attempt to ram sin down the people’s throats. I know, you don’t have to say anything, you say “thank you” with your eyes everyday.

1. Italian Food and Milk — I’m aware of what you’re thinking, this is a Kosher thing, but even if it was just spaghetti sauce and pasta, and no meat, it’s still an abomination. What if you drink while you are eating pasta with sauce and a little sauce gets in your milk? That’s gross!
2. Pastrami/Mayo/White Bread — Again, this sounds like a Kosher issue, but it’s not. Mayo isn’t dairy so it’s actually kosher, it’s just wrong. Pastrami weeps for mustard on rye, and anything else is a sin against man and God.
3. Drake/Paul Anka — They are actually working on a collaboration as we speak. This mistaken musical pairing shouldn’t surprise any of us since their link is based on their Canadian roots. That’s a thin basis for collaborating. By that standard, why doesn’t Marilyn Manson collaborate with Conway Twitty? (They’re both Americans.)
4. Cheerios and any other Cereal — The shape, texture, and taste of Cheerios precludes them from mixing with any other cereal. I’m a big believer in mixing cereal, but Cheerios for better and for worse must stand alone.
5. Seth Rogen/Charlize Theron — As you may be aware, they are starring in a new movie called Long Shot. I’m a fan of both, and maybe the movie is good, and maybe it will do well, but I’m not so sure. Charlize Theron is one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, maybe in the world, and Seth Rogen…isn’t. Seth Rogen has a history along with all of the Judd Apatow proteges of making movies where beautiful women fall in love with average looking, and in some cases well-below average looking guys, who also have serious personality flaws, and bizzare quirks. I can see why average looking guys like myself enjoy this style of storytelling, but in fairness, maybe they should make a movie where Seth Rogen falls in love with Aidy Bryant from Saturday Night Live, or Rebel Wilson, that would be interesting. I wonder if it would make any money?

You know, I don’t know what I was thinking. This combination is completely plausible. I’m sure if I had a long beard and wore that hat with my glasses, I could approach any number of supermodels and do quite well for myself. (New York Times)

In the interest of full disclosure, I sometimes do think it would be fun to consider certain individuals coming together for the purpose of wondering how those interactions would play out. For example, Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon, the two most important figures of their time interacted, but only through intermediaries, James Monroe mostly. It would have been incredible to see these two all-time political giants sit down together to discuss…anything. However, it never came to pass.

It’s the same with sports figures or movie stars from different generations. Jackie Robinson entered Major League Baseball just as Babe Ruth was suffering from terminal cancer. It would have been fascinating to see a picture of the two of them together, especially since one of the things the Babe’s opponents used to like to razz him about was the fact that he had “black” features.

Here are some historical matches that fortunately never came to pass:

1. Al Jolson and Jimi Hendrix — Electric Ladyland and black face would probably not have worked very well.
2. Curly Howard and Laurence Olivier — “To be or not to be…you moron, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.”
3. Abe Lincoln and Adolf Hitler — If Lincoln hadn’t been killed and lived out his natural life, he and Hitler would have lived on the planet at the same time. Imagine Hitler’s mustache on Lincoln? Brilliant!
4. Katt Williams and Henny Youngman — Two great comedy stylists, but one used the “N-word” a lot more than the other.
5. Donald Trump and Richard Nixon — Well I’m cheating a little bit here. Apparently they did meet and guess what Nixon told Trump? He said that his wife Pat had been very impressed with him, and that whenever you decide to run for office you’ll be a winner. Crooked birds of a feather? A match made in Hell?

I suppose that no white entertainer should ever appear in black-face. It’s an ill-fated match. Still could Jolson have performed with Jimi? I don’t think Jolson ever lit his guitar on fire or played with his teeth, so most likely no. (Getty Images)

Some combos will never work such as white people appearing in black face. Incredibly, Ted Danson, who used to date Whoopi Goldberg, a very strange couple to say the least, appeared at a roast for Whoopie in black-face. That might be the worst compound combo in history. A compound combo of course occurs when two things that don’t belong together are made all the more awkward by the fact that one of the participants in the ill-fated combo commits a completely egregious act that in and of itself makes for a bad combination.

Perhaps the most obvious example of a toxic mixture in our society can be found in those who practice coupling, or in other words, come together for a romantic rendezvous that makes one scratch their heads. Amongst the most bizarre couples that come to mind would include, but are not limited to…

1. Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall — She was 26 and he was 89, but in dog years it actually works out pretty well.
2. Paul Simon and Edie Brickell — Edie Brickell, lead singer of New Bohemians is 5″9 and was born in 1966. She is married to songwriting legend Paul Simon who is 5’3 and was born in 1941. This may be the greatest age/size combo difference since Charlemagne the Great who at 6″7 married Lady Dwarfenburg who was 4″11 and 38 years his junior. (You won’t find this in any of the so-called history books since I made this up.)
3. Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd Lincoln — The “Great Emancipator” was 6″4, (6″9 with his hat on.) lean, grew up poor, and was opposed to slavery. She was 5″2, plump, grew up wealthy, and came from a slave-owning family. So what bridged their divide? They were both dynamos in the sack.
4. Eddie Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli — Their marriage lasted a long time by rock ’n’ roll standards, but rock’s bad boy and Hollywood’s “good girl” couldn’t make it last, and now they have to share custody of Sammy Hagar who Eddie gets every other weekend.
5. Michael Jackson and Macaulay Culkin — I pin this one on Culkin. The “King of Pop” took Culkin everywhere, you know, so he wouldn’t be left home alone.

What? I’m completely comfortable with this…said nobody ever. (You Tube)

People say opposites attract. People say a lot of things, and most of it should probably be ignored. However, there are instances where it does seem as if we seek out in friends as well as in partners individuals who possess qualities that we lack and wish we had in ourselves. It seems to work for my wife and I. She is an introvert and a good strategic problem solver, and I’m an extrovert who’s good at panicking and asking others to solve my problems. A match made in Heaven.

You just never know when a combo that looks iffy at best when first proposed turns out to be a real gem. I’m sure the first person who invented Fluff, (Barnaby J. Fluffenstein so I’m told) searched high and low for the just the perfect delicacy to mix and match with his spreadable marshmallow delight, and when he settled on peanut butter, I’m sure the critics and armchair quarterbacks descended upon him like a swarm of angry locusts, only to have to eat their words literally upon consuming their first “Fluff-a-nutter.” On the other hand, I’ll stick with the wisdom of Roger Miller who knew that you can’t go fishin’ in a watermelon patch, but you can be happy if you’ve a mind to.