The thing that wouldn’t leave
5 ways to make unwanted guests and presidents leave after the party is over
There was a great bit, almost a throwaway sketch on the old Saturday Night Live featuring John Belushi where he was starring in a proposed new television program called, “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave.” In this proposed horror show, Belushi plays a completely oblivious houseguest who has no idea that he has grossly overstayed his welcome. He continues to drink and smoke, and watch his hosts’ television, and then proceeds to begin to invite some of his friends over to visit as well. His hosts, now completely terrorized by the thought of this obnoxious guest from hell never leaving their abode begin to scream in terror. I remember even as a teenager thinking that this was not only funny, but it was a completely relatable idea, unless of course it involves the soundly defeated President of the United States who apparently is refusing to leave, then all humor is drained from the situation, however the terror still remains.
(Never overstay your welcome, or you won’t be welcome to stay. You Tube)
Knowing when as well as how to leave is one of the most underrated skills known to modern society. In my opinion it’s not a talent that everybody possesses. It takes a bit of ruthless selfishness, something that I feel I have in abundance. In other words, my wife, who is not only far more intelligent than I, and considerably nicer and generally a far better individual than I could ever hope to be, does fall short compared to me in this one critical department. She needs to say goodbye to everybody before we leave, and have one of those endless “Jewish/Italian goodbyes” that can eat up more time than the amount of time you were actually at whatever event you are now trying to exit from. Why is this a struggle for her? She’s too nice. For me, when I’m done, I’m done. Once I’ve decided in my mind that it’s time to leave, I’m up and I’m out. Sure I’ll say a fond farewell to the host and thank them for having me against their better judgement, but fear not, I’m out the door and out of your hair.
This isn’t really all that difficult. Read the room, know when your time is up. Never be the last to leave. If you’re the last to leave a party or get-together, then you were probably in the bathroom when everybody else was making their move. It’s no different in politics. When you lose, you leave. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, Donald Trump, a man who could make you pine for the halcyon days of Mussolini, has decided that leaving the presidency is simply not a thing that he’s interested in pursuing. Am I surprised? No, I”ve been saying this for the past year. I only wish I could take the credit for having come up with this supposition first. The credit goes to the comedian and talk-show host, Bill Maher. It was Maher who said that Trump will leave when he’s good and ready, and right now, he’s not ready.
“By the power invested in my by this upside down Bible, I now hereby claim the presidency of the United States forever.” (Getty Images)
As is so often the case regarding any awful thing Donald Trump does, or righteous thing that he’s supposed to do, but fails to with remarkable consistency, his followers are all in on this latest escapade. For example, a recent survey claimed that 70% of Republicans believe that Biden’s victory is not legitimate and that the election was stolen, despite not one piece of credible evidence having been put forward. Millions of Americans would appear okay with this claim, even though in court, this argument has been about as successful as Rudy Giuliani was as a United States’ Attorney attempting to put away Mafia figures. In fact, Trump’s done better than Giuliani who was never able to convict John Gotti, while Trump’s ace “Legal Eagles” are 1–28 at challenging the validity of the presidential election.
Trump’s diehards, all 73 million of them and counting, also appear to be on board with his “scorched Earth” approach in his last lame-duck days as president. Everyone knew that Trump would try to get his pound of flesh before he exited from the White House, but to fire the Secretary of Defense as well as the head of Homeland Security’s cybersecurity division, both people that he put into these positions, is either a settling of scores for some perceived slight, or a frightening power grab. What does Trump have in mind? Is he planning to use the military for some unsavory mission? Is he concerned that some of his moves would be challenged by those who know better (Pretty much everybody)and he wants to make sure that nobody of any merit or ethics gets in his way? This isn’t a man who operates with even an ounce of clandestine strategy or possesses any stealth-like moves, so the idea that he’s considering using the military to provoke a war with Iran, which he reportedly was, isn’t farfetched by any means.
Former Secretary of Defense Mark Esper, seen here in his cowardly anti-COVID mask, had the nerve to claim that Trump was wrong to use the military to clear out peaceful protesters so he could create a photo-op at a local church for reasons known to pretty much nobody, was recently fired by the outgoing president. It’s incredible how often Trump fires people he hires (Through tweets) claiming how dumb and ineffective they were, while somehow not seeing even an ounce of irony over the fact that he hired these lemons in the first place. (Getty Images)
Trump’s unwillingness to leave, as unbelievable and unprecedented as it might be in American political history, is made only worse by the blind obedient following that his supporters provide for him. However, it does provide one with food for thought. While the peaceful transition of power is the fulcrum from which American democracy balances upon, it appears that there isn’t a political or presidential norm that Trump feels any obligation to follow, especially if it means trying to hold on to power. If this is true, and so far there’s no reason to believe he will leave on his own accord, what do we as a nation do? Do we inaugurate Joe Biden and simply move his stuff out? Does the Secret Service cuff him and drag him out kicking and screaming with his fake hair askew? (Oh please, oh please let this be the case. Lord, I ask so little, oh please)
If you think this is hyperbole, consider this; In just the past day Trump has taken the unprecedented step of calling a low-level election flunkie in Wayne County, Michigan attempting to pressure the two Republicans on the election certification board to decertify all of the votes from Detroit. Oh, and it worked, the two Republicans changed their vote, however it was too late since the deadline for certification had already passed. Then, since he obviously can’t win in the courts because you know how pesky judges can be about having evidence to prove your claims, he has now decided to invite the Michigan Legislature in order to pressure them into putting in electors who will ignore the will of the people of Michigan and vote for Donald Trump even though he has lost Michigan by well over 140,000 votes. Is this really what reasonable Republicans want?
Fortunately, we all have had experience with people in our lives who apparently struggle with the concept of knowing when it’s time to go. How do we clue these people in that it’s time to leave without hurting their feelings? Well, there’s two phrases you need to know if you want to give these individuals the sign that our time together has come to an end. They are in no particular order:
- “Alright” — Said slowly with a heavy sigh as if you hate to be the one to say it, but it’s time to get this party ended.
- “Okay” — Again, a slow heavy sigh accompanies this useful phrase, but it gets to the point a little quicker. Once you’ve said “okay,” you’ve announced to all of those present that you are officially out of conversation, too stuffed to eat anymore, and can’t have another drink because you have to drive. In other words, it’s all over but the leaving.
(One thing about Groucho, he always knew when it was time to leave, and for some, like the outgoing president, it’s never a bad time to leave, even if it’s when you first arrive. You Tube)
For those who need help getting once desired but now unwanted guests to leave, yet still don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, according to Wikihow, there are polite ways to get party guests as well as badly defeated presidents to leave:
- Pretend they’re the one’s ready to leave — As in, “Hey Mr. President, you don’t want to stay in the White House, there’s all of this work to do like the 250,000 people who’ve died of COVID-19 that you stopped pretending to care about, and when you want to tweet at three in the morning, they don’t even have golden toilets to sit upon! C’mon, you’d be happier in one of your failed casinos.”
- Mention the time in a surprised manner — “Oh my goodness Mr. President, it’s January 20th already? Boy that snuck up on us fast. Better stick Jared in your suitcase and get out of here before that new guy takes over.”
- Inform your friends that you have a busy schedule — “President Trump, we’d love to keep you in power, but we have a democracy to save, and apparently it won’t save itself.”
- Yawn repeatedly — “Ahhhhh, I’ll tell you, incompetent presidential leadership sure does tire me out. Why don’t you leave so we can restore America’s honor and place as the leader of the “free world.”
- Feign sickness such as a headache or a stomach ache — “Well President Trump, I’d love to have you stay, but I’m not feeling well. What’s wrong? Oh, I don’t know, I guess I have a fever, a dry cough, a lost sense of taste, and a sore throat, so I think it would be better if you left. For all of us.”
Donald Trump, like a hurricane or a forest fire, can’t exit from our lives fast enough, but when these natural disasters do finally leave they are sure to do some damage on the way out. Until he decides it’s time to leave, Trump will do his best to not acknowledge that his time has come to exit the White House. Cue yawns.