The dentist can be a numbing experience.

The dentist can be a numbing experience.

By Rob Hoffman on July 16, 2018 at 6:30 AM

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There are so many good things about getting older, I barely know where to start…said nobody ever. Nobody ever really tells you the really grizzly details about getting older, they just kind of smirk and say, “You’ll find out.” They should add the caveat, “If you’re lucky?” Unless you get hit by a bus or something, you will find out, typically the hard way. There’s really no way to prepare one’s self for getting older. You can’t say, “Okay, I’m ready, bring on those kidney stones.” or “Let’s go arthritis, I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life.” or even, “Batten down the hatches, my ball-sack is saggy, places everybody, you know what to do.”

The really scary thing is that if this is happening on the outside, what the hell is going on, on the inside? (You Tube)

Body parts wear out, and have to be fixed or replaced. That’s simply the way it is. Teeth therefore are no exception. They wear out, and while I’m not advocating abstaining from flossing, brushing, and the utilization of mouthwash, genetics and time will typically defeat even the most studious of those who follow good dental hygiene. My wife takes textbook care of her teeth, and they are still giving her all sorts of problems, so sometimes you’re simply fighting a losing battle against what amounts to your own personal genetic quagmire.

Sometimes, you will suffer from dental related issues simply because of some of the teeth related decisions you made in your youth. For example, if you are over a certain age, it means you grew up before there was fluoride in the water, or even fluoride treatments available at the dentist. Baby-boomers, those former hippies, now denizens of the “early bird specials,” grew up in a world largely free of fluoride. The elixir from their youth was Coca Cola, and while grabbing a Coke may have taught the world to sing in perfect harmony, its effect on your chompers could be likened to the impact napalm has on the rainforest. In addition, let’s not forget all of the endless candy, the lack of flossing, and the fact that the toothpaste available to the brushing public did not come with anti-tartar, anti-plaque, anti-stain additives, leaving the young mouths of America largely vulnerable to all sorts of mandible maladies until fairly recently.

Hey man, drink a coke. Peace, love, and gingivitis. (You Tube)

Most of my adult life has largely been free of cavities. I don’t say this as if I should get some sort of award, or that I am deserving of special praise. My guess is that most adults of even reasonable dietary and dental hygienic decision-making are most likely free of cavities as well. It probably has to do with the fact that I rarely eat candy, or sugary soda or drinks, plus I brush, use Listerine as if my life depended on it, (Which I believe it does. I’m convinced that there’s nothing “Listerine” can’t cure.) and floss…sometimes. I’m not a flossing fanatic, which seems to irk the dental hygienist community to the point of apoplexy, but more on that sort later on.

The dentist of my childhood while growing up in North Massapequa was a World War Two vet by the name of Dr. Herman Buzin. According to my father, Dr. Buzin was wounded in World War Two, and he displayed his medals in his office. Apparently the word, again according to my father, was that he received a shrapnel wound in his butt. You can make of that what you want, but I never did thank him for his service. My brother called him Dr. “A-Buzin’” due to his penchant for salami sandwiches which he apparently ate everyday for lunch. It made the trips to the dentist…pungently challenging.

For a lot of Americans, Steve Martin’s performance as a sadistic dentist, (Redundant?) hits a little too close to home. (Giphy)

Around the time I was approximately eight or nine years-old, Dr. Buzin informed me that I had seven cavities. I was in shell-shock, and my mother looked at me like I had been in an auto accident, and had not planned ahead properly and was caught wearing my dirty underwear. I don’t recall my father’s reaction, but I’m sure that the idea of paying Dr. Buzin more money was enough to send him running for the Alka-Seltzer in order to sooth the inevitable migraine and accompanying pain that was now making its approach. Of course, considering that one of my brothers has literally a mouth full of caps due to a childhood case of measles, which caused his teeth to grow in without enamel, we had already paid for much of the luxury items in the Buzin household. (I don’t want to say my brother’s old, but what’s with the measles. I mean it was one thing when he contracted the croup, consumption, and quinsy, but the measles?)

Say what you want, but Dr. Buzin’s handiwork actually held up pretty well, because for the most part, my fillings maintained their structural integrity, and my life as a chewing and smiling American carried on unabated. That was until about a year ago, when Father Time kicked me right in the teeth, and the wallet. According to my new dentist, my fillings, and the teeth around them, had pretty much used up all of their functionality. In other words, disintegration was occurring, and that meant open wide, you’re going to be getting a few caps.

I don’t know who this guy is, but he was born to be a dentist. He just has the look, the build, the garb, and the expressionless expression. You can’t picture this guy wearing any other uniform or anything else other than dental fatigues. (Getty Images)

As the president is fond of saying, “Most people don’t know this,” but actual care for one’s teeth is largely a 20th century phenomenon. Historically, most people began to lose their teeth as early as their mid-to-late 30s. George Washington, the father of our country famously had false teeth made of wood, that apparently they didn’t fit very well, and gave him tremendous discomfort most of his life. If you look at most paintings and later early photographs of people into the late 19th century, you’ll notice that very rarely did people smile. This was for several reasons:

1. It was considered foolish and immodest to smile for a painting or photograph.
2. It took a long time to have your picture taken or painted, which meant you were bored to tears sitting there, and therefore you weren’t really in a smiling mood.
3. Life was difficult in the old days, what’s to smile about?
4. Life was short, who has time to waste to sit there endlessly and have their picture taken.
5. Most people lost their teeth, who wants to be remembered looking like “Wavy Gravy?”

I’m not sure what those crazy hippies would have done at the Woodstock concert in 1969 without the steady and sobering advice of Wavy Gravy, who demonstrated to all that just because you don’t have front teeth, it doesn’t mean that what you have to say isn’t important. (You Tube)

While preserving one’s teeth is a relatively new phenomenon, attempts at dentistry has its roots in ancient man’s struggle to preserve his smile, as well as his ability to eat corn-on-the-cob. (Or as the Native American’s called it, Maze!) The Harappan civilization of the Indus-River Valley showed evidence of drilling teeth nearly 6000 years ago. (That bland dentist shirt that they all wear had to be home spun in those days.) Modern dentistry is often linked to the first dental school which was established in 1828 in Bainbridge, Ohio, home of the smile…according to nobody. It was begun by Dr. John Harris, who despite insisting on being called “Doctor,” particularly when his name was called when he was waiting for a table at some of the more exclusive restaurants in Bainbridge, was often derided behind his back in the Bainbridge medical community as only really being a “dentist.” Today, Bainbridge’s school is now a dental museum. (I’ll let that sink in for a moment.)

What would one find in a dental museum? Here’s my guesses…

1. The Hall of Spit-Sinks
2. The dental instruments used by Sir Lawrence Olivier in the film Marathon Man.
3. Dental uniforms throughout the years
4. An interactive display where you can suck on “sweet air.”
5. A “How to?” exhibit which explains how to read those bills they send you.

This scene is depicted in the Museum of Dentistry in Vienna. I was in Vienna a couple of years ago, and foolishly I did not visit this must-see sight. Most of those tools look like they would be better suited for plumbing rather than dentistry. (Getty Images)

Almost all ancient civilizations provide some sort of proof of dentistry being performed. There is extensive writing about the art of dentistry for example during the Golden Age of the Islamic Empire. During the Middle Ages, dentistry was performed by barbers. (Think Steve Martin as “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber.) Pierre Fauchard is often referred to as the “Father of Modern Dentistry.” Fauchard designed many of the first dental instruments, became the first dentist to use filings to fill cavities, and perhaps most importantly, figured out that sugar produces acids that cause tooth decay.

I believe that most would agree though that the most important breakthrough in dentistry is the discovery of Novocaine. Novocaine which is really a generic name for “procaine,” was developed in 1905 by German chemist Alfred Einhorn. Before Novocaine was used in dentistry, cocaine was the prescribed anesthetic for painful medical procedures. (It’s a good thing there were no rock stars in those days, or they would all be coming in for dental procedures all the time.) Without Novocaine, most people couldn’t get through a single dental visit without screaming out in agony. I mean, what kind of mad-man would agree to have their teeth drilled without Novocaine? Oh, that’s right. My father never took Novocaine. Now before you think that he must have been some sort of all-time tough guy, think again. His refusal to receive Novocaine for dental treatments was due to the fact that he was more afraid of the needle than he was of the drilling. The man had his ways is all I can say.

When I was a child, there was always posters like this in the dentist office to scare you into brushing. It worked. Maybe they should have these posters in England? (You Tube)

While I don’t think I could ever be a dentist, orthodontist seems like a career that provides maximum profit with little in the way of stress. The whole idea of going to the orthodontist is based on time. You put the braces on the kid’s teeth, and then you wait. Every month you go to the orthodontist, he or she tightens the braces, and then comes out and says to the parents, “He’s doing fine, we’ll see you next month.” Both of my boys needed braces, and I loved their orthodontist. He was the world’s biggest fans of the New York Jets, and he had dozens of Jets uniforms framed and signed around his office. The kids loved him too because he had video games in his waiting room. Once he found out I was a Jets fan, that was all he ever wanted to talk about. I would say, “How are his teeth coming along?” and he would say, “Oh, they’re fine, but what did you think about the game on Sunday?” or “Do you think they should draft a quarterback?”

I hated my orthodontist when I was a child. I had braces for two and a half years, and he would tighten them up, and I would complain that it hurt, and he would turn to his ugly, fat nurse and say, “It doesn’t hurt me, does it hurt you nurse?” She would respond by saying, “It doesn’t hurt me doctor.” Hilarity then ensued. I did extract a small measure of revenge however. One time when he was taking an impression of my upper jaw, I started to gag, and told him I was going to throw up. He said that I wasn’t going to throw up, but unfortunately for him, I did. It was both disgusting and glorious.

Braces are like slavery for your teeth. (You Tube)

If you want to succeed as a dentist, then you have to know certain phrases that all dentists use when treating patients. If you’re not equipped with these, then you can’t really succeed. They are as follows;

1. “Open real big now” — This is used to get you to open your mouth wide enough for them to stick all sorts of sharp objects into your mouth.
2. “You’ll feel a little pinch” — This is not part of the #MeToo movement. This is what they tell you before they stick you with Novocaine.
3. “Let me know if this hurts” — This is what they say before they start drilling. Spoiler alert, it always hurts.
4. “You can rinse now” — This is good news because it typically means the procedure is over.
5. “We’re going to have to have you back” — This means you’ll be seeing a lot of your dentist for the next few months.

All of this is pertinent to me since I am in the middle of a year-long dental marathon of fillings and caps. Most of my fillings are over 45 years old, and need to be replaced. However, in some cases, the work is very old, and the teeth are pretty much worn down to nothing, so I must have caps or “crowns” put on. Most of the time this isn’t too bad, but right now I’m battling a pain in a new cap I just had put on that doesn’t seem to want to go away. This means that as you are reading this, I’ll probably be in the dentist chair hearing the words no human ever wants to hear from their dentist. “I think you’re going to need a root canal.” Damn you Pierre Fauchard! Damn you to hell!!!

The dental hygienist has almost become more important than the dentist. You tend to spend more time with them than the actual dentist. They are usually nice at first, but then they start scolding you to floss more, and give you all sorts of dire predictions of what will happen to your teeth if you don’t. I can’t help but wonder though, do you think it ever came down to a coin flip for dentists and hygienists whether they should go into dentistry or proctology? (You Tube)