The apocalypse has arrived, and there’s not a square to spare

In a time of national urgency, Americans are on a “roll.”
https://blog.timesunion.com/hoffmanfiles/the-apocalypse-has-arrived-and-theres-not-a-square-to-spare/45974/

In lieu of recent events, I find myself with much to ponder, and as luck would have it, thanks to the governor’s orders, I also have an ample amount of time to do this pondering. What have I been pondering? Specifically, if I were faced with heading off into some sort of apocalypse, what would I make sure I had with me in order to ensure my survival. Normally this isn’t really in my wheelhouse, and I’m humble enough to know when I should look to the experts. For example, I’ve watched an abundant amount of episodes of Naked and Afraid, and I’ve taken note of what these survivalists have made sure that they don’t leave home without. Some will insist on bringing a piece of flint to start fires with. Others will bring along a small pot to boil water, while others will carry with them a sizable knife. However, not once, not one time, never have I observed any of these uber-survivalists carry with them a roll of toilet paper, and it goes without saying that they most certainly haven’t attempted to bring along a 24-pack, which would constitute a lot to carry for somebody who is after all, naked.

Why has this idea occupied my thoughts of late? Well, the other day I went into Hannaford to do our weekly shopping. As I approached the paper and tissue aisle, I couldn’t help but notice that there wasn’t a single roll of toilet paper on the shelves. Not a square to spare as Elaine once famously complained on Seinfeld. There wasn’t even a roll of the cheap non-brand name and/or toilet tissue made from recycled paper, both of which have the feel and texture of sandpaper. In fact, there wasn’t a paper product available in the entire store. (Actually, I would be remiss if I didn’t relay what my good friend and fellow blogger David Kalish pointed out when he said that there was still an ample stack of “Times Unions” just sitting there ironically while all of the toilet paper had been purchased.) The scene looked like this:

The story was the same all over Clifton Park, as well as the entire Capital Region. Our trip to the supermarket had become a journey back in time to East Berlin, circa 1978. (Hoffman Collection)

COVID-19 is a potentially deadly disease that can bring on pneumonia in the elderly as well as those with pre-existing lung ailments, and people with compromised immune systems. However, to the best of my knowledge, it does not cause diarrhea, the runs, or any other lower intestinal issues. Despite these facts, American have been on a toilet paper scavenger hunt for the past two weeks, and there doesn’t seem to be any let up in sight.

Even the Hoffmans are not immune to looking out for number one while considering their needs to clean up number two. Two weekends ago my wife and I were on our way home from Lake Placid in what very well may have constituted my last journey outside the Capital Region for quite some time. As we were leaving the beautiful town, my wife noticed that they had a Price Chopper. She suggested that we stop and pick up some toilet paper since it was quite possible that the people of this small and remote village would have been less likely to have been swept up in all of the panic. As usual she was right. The store was stocked with toilet paper, and we were able to pick up a pack that labeled itself as being 24 rolls that are really the size of 96. I’m not sure what that means, or who does their math, but we felt confident in our purchase. It was sensible without appearing like we were hoarders. (By the way, if this is the end, then all of those “end of days” individuals who are always waiting to be whisked up to Heaven because they are true believers should have to forfeit their toilet paper since I would think that defecation would not be required in the kingdom of the almighty. “Hell” on the other hand is probably a non-stop cycle of constipation followed by the runs.)

(The galling lack of leadership in our society is on display as these two women fight over who can selfishly hoard the most toilet paper. It is times like these where we cast our eyes in search of a leader. Godspeed Mr Whipple! You Tube)

Those among us who have seen fit to grab every roll of toilet paper they can find are a curious bunch to say the least. Ah, if it were only that simple. As I walked through the supermarket on Sunday, and several other times since, I can’t help but notice that when we are faced with a breakdown in societal norms, our choices for what we deem necessary in order to survive are to say the least, debatable.

For example, the only product two weeks ago that was in fact sold out in the Lake Placid Price Chopper was hand sanitizer. While some appear to go through life literally immersed as well as lathered in hand sanitizer, others have kept the hand wash at arms distance. Now of course there’s nothing to debate. Anybody not using hand sanitizer might as well be accused of witchcraft. Except, it may not be as simple as all of that either. Hand sanitizers kill bacteria, but do they kill viruses, and more importantly, do they kill COVID-19. Would it be better and cheaper to simply wash our hands? Actually, according to (https://www.unicef.org/coronavirus/everything-you-need-know-about-washing-your-hands-protect-against-coronavirus-covid-19,) both are pretty good. Alcohol based hand sanitizers kill COVID-19, but not all viruses.

As a result of the run on hand sanitizers, many people have turned to making luscious liquid at home, including my wife and her twin sister. My sister-in-law was in town this weekend and instead of baking a cake or making something yummy to drink, they put their collective wonder-twin powers together and made hand sanitizer. My wife however believes it can be improved if you use very high proof alcohol. If there’s any sacrifice greater than watching my Everclear 190 proof pure grain alcohol get poured into a jar for the purpose of killing a virus instead of my brain cells, I’m not aware of it.

Yes, homemade hand sanitizer, there’s nothing else in the world that it could be. It doesn’t even remotely look like it could be anything else. I think I’ll just put my hand inside the jar and scoop out a big handful of the sticky goop. So long COVID-19, hello creamy goodness. (Hoffman Collection)

Alright, I believe we can now declare with a large degree of certitude that in the instance of an emergency, people are panicky, as well as selfish and behave like hoarders, especially when it comes to items such as toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and disinfectant, but what about edibles? Are there any foods that we are seeing become scarce on our grocery aisles? Well we’re Americans, we are selfish by definition. When we’re not applying the idea of Manifest Destiny to the conquering of the entire continental United States, we’re applying the same concept to the canned goods and meat department.

I took a stroll down past the meat section of my local Hannaford the other day, and what I found would make the average carnivore break down and cry tears of A-1. There is more meat on the average lamb shank on a Passover Seder plate then there was in the meat section at Hannaford or any other local supermarket this past week. Interestingly enough, there was one section of the alleged meat section that was both robust and full. However, before I could get my meat sweats flowing, I noticed upon further inspection that it wasn’t meat at all, but so-called “meatless-meat.” In other words, it was the plant-based substitute meat that has everybody raving, including vegetarians and vegans. This miracle food product according to its many hipster, and/or millennial fans was basically untouched even in the middle of an oncoming plague. I wonder what it would take for people to say, “To hell with it,” and begin hoarding meatless meat. I’m guessing a diptheria outbreak, and nothing less.

“Yes plant-based meat, the meatless meat that nobody will eat, even if there’s a plague on its way.” (Hoffman Collection)

It wasn’t just meat however that was cleaned out of the local supermarkets, the egg section was devoid of any and all egg products. Well, not all, I was able to purchase a half-dozen brown, organic eggs. These were free range, no antibiotic chickens. I mean these suckers had more constitutional rights than the average person in incarceration.. Of course boxed and canned goods were flying off of the shelves at a rate not seen since World War Two. Waxed beans, Hamburger Helper, Tuna Helper, (As if tuna needed any help!) canned beets, mac and cheese, even Ramen Noodles, the kind that college kids usually subsist on, providing all of your sodium needs for the next millennium, all of it now in high demand.

This type of doomsday preparation is nothing new to those who live in high percentage hurricane areas, and other natural disaster regions of the country, but for the rest of us, it’s a little unnerving. While it may be upsetting to consider the idea that our food supply chain could become interrupted, the idea of sacrifice, doing without, is not unprecedented in American history. For example, during the Cuban missile crisis of 1962, many Americans, convinced that World War Three was imminent, began to stock up on supplies and even purchased bomb shelters to try and survive nuclear armageddon between American and the Soviet Union. Fortunately cooler heads prevailed in that one, and many Americans were stuck with a lot of canned goods that quite frankly, are probably still edible.

During World War Two, Americans were forced to ration. People would be given ration cards, and told what days and in what quantities they could purchase certain items such as meat, milk, butter, and cigarettes. (Cigarettes??? What is this, Nazi Germany????) Even though it was the law, propaganda posters were still put up all over the country to remind people that they should be willing to share and sacrifice, and that the reason we were rationing was to aid in the war effort, and make sure that our brave soldiers had enough at the front lines. Perhaps rationing laws are the next logical step since based on the toilet paper situation, we’re not so good at sharing are we?

Well first of all, yes I do think we might benefit as a society to post little reminders about hoarding. However, how come the old fat lady is the selfish one, and the young hottie who looks like Scarlett Johansson is the one who’s acting selfless? Must we stereotype even in the time of a pandemic? (Getty Images)

The idea of doing without is not something that we as Americans really flourish at. Certainly speaking for myself, the idea of denying myself much of anything can give me the hives, which thankfully is not a symptom of COVID-19. However, if we were to become locked down and quarrantined, what would be the five foods that I would have to have if I were going to be trapped inside and trying to make the best of it?

1. Nacho Cheese Doritos — Remember, you can’t go to the gym, and nobody is going to see you for a while, why not let your fingers go orange, you know in honor of our fearless leader who apparently had finally decided that this isn’t a hoax.
2. Oreos — There are so many varieties and flavors, why not buy all of them, and then have a taste test. You could do your own version of “March Madness.” You could draw up a chart and let’s say in the first round it’s chocolate cookie with pistachio filling vs. vanilla cookies, chocolate filling. Eventually you get to the final four, and then declare a champion. Geez, I might actually do this!
3. Ice Cream — My wife last night, who’s not even an ice cream eater, brought over the container without even putting it in a dish, and just started eating her Stewart’s French Vanilla while we watched Homeland. We’ve been married over 30 years, and I’ve never seen her do anything like that before. The times, they are a-changin.
4. Tacos — They are always good, easy to make, and at a time where you can’t leave your house, much less the country, tacos provide you with a feeling of international flavor. Viva la taco!
5. Bacon — Nothing says good old outdoor country living than the smell of bacon frying. You eat it when you’re camping, when you’re on vacation, and it reminds me of my in-laws house when we would visit. My wife’s parents were always cooking bacon it seemed. Is there a better smell to wake up to if one wishes to forget they are quarrantined?

Hopefully this will all pass soon enough with as little death and disruption as possible. However right now we seem to be in a holding pattern, waiting for something to happen that we can just feel in our guts isn’t good. Everyday the news seems to get a little worse, and it just puts one’s stomach in knots, that terrible feeling of dread in the belly. All I can tell you is you better stock up on the Immodium, cause brother, there ain’t no toilet paper!