The Amorous Playboys of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

By Rob Hoffman on February 19, 2018 at 6:14 AM

It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. While I don’t doubt this sentiment to be true, I don’t believe it is true for all men of power. For example, if you look like John F. Kennedy or Ronald Reagan, chances are you were probably doing pretty well in the “female department” even if nobody knew who you were, such is the beauty of being good-looking, and having charisma. (So I’ve heard anyway.) However, nobody is going to convince me that Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos were “chick magnets” back before they became successful uber-nerds. (Even if they were, I’m guessing that the quality as well as the quantity of the females they were “shacking up with” improved exponentially along with their bank accounts and stock portfolios.)

With all due respect to the great Robert Klein, and his book, The Amorous Busboy of Decatur Avenue, there may in fact be other thoroughfares in America that usurp Klein’s beloved Decatur Avenue in the Bronx for successfully happening upon the fairer sex. For members of one of the most select groups in America, the presidents of the United States, Pennsylvania Avenue is more than just a street in Monopoly, it is apparently, if historical gossip is to be believed, a ticket to “Babe Heaven.” Rest assured, our current occupant of the White House is no exception, and I’d be willing to bet the $130,000 that his lawyer allegedly paid to porn star Stormy Daniels, that he’s eyeing some poor future member of the #MeToo movement even as we speak.

Our first “Lothario” president, Thomas Jefferson. In fairness, Jefferson was a widower when he entered the White House in 1801. He also apparently had a thing for one of his slaves, Sally Hemmings. Unfortunately for Sally, there was no #MeToo movement for slaves who were taken advantage of by their masters. (Getty Images)

Long before the #MeToo movement arrived, millions and millions of women have known for centuries that there is an enormous difference between consensual and non-consensual sexual relations. We will never know for sure if Warren Harding, or John F. Kennedy, or so many other former presidents forced themselves upon women without their consent, since all participants in such encounters have long-since passed on. As for our more modern chief executives such as Bill Clinton and Donald Trump, the charges that have been levied against them claiming that they raped or harassed some of the women around them are for now only alleged. Republicans desperate to defend the indefensible, a.k.a., the behavior of Donald Trump, have played the only hand they know how, it’s known as the “What about Bill Clinton?” defense. It’s akin to saying it’s okay to be a Nazi, since some people in Antifa are mean and violent. (Wow, what an absurd argument that would be. It’s kind of ironic that the same people who defend Trump by yelling “What about Clinton?” are also the ones who defended Nazis in Charlottesville last summer, well-played guys.)

In addition to the allegedly indefensible behavior of both Bill Clinton and Donald Trump, they both have admittedly had numerous consensual relationships with women outside their marriage as well. (I can’t say for sure if their wives consented to these behaviors, but I’m guessing not.) Cheating on your wife does make you a bad husband, but, does it make you a bad president? Let’s hope not, because if that’s the case, then our list of great presidents is going to have to be gutted. Apparently it would seem that many of our chief executives had how shall I put it, busy hands, as well as busy glands.

(Well, there’s nothing sexual going on here, it’s just a famous Hollywood starlet wishing a happy birthday to the leader of the free world, John F. Kennedy. I’m sure they didn’t even know each other…said nobody ever. I’m pretty sure every man in America needed a shower after this one. You Tube)

Historians as well as ordinary Americans, (Apparently historians aren’t ordinary Americans.) have been ranking the 45 presidents of the United States for many years. (Ever notice that nobody ever ranks Jefferson Davis? He was kind of a president, although not a very good one. Confederate presidents are a little like freshman basketball players at Kentucky, one and done.) The top three are always Washington, Lincoln, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt is often ranked fourth, and after that, the debate usually begins. Some rank Truman 5th, others have put Eisenhower in the top five, and there are those who advocate for Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, or if you’re Sean Hannity, Ronald Reagan. The bottom feeders are usually Andrew Johnson, James Buchanan, Franklin Pierce, and Warren Harding. (It’s probably too early to tell where Trump will place, but if I were the descendants of James Buchanan or Andrew Johnson, I would certainly be singing a happier tune.)

“Big Buck,” better known to history as James Buchanan, (Better known since I just made that nickname up) was our only bachelor president, meaning that by definition, he was the only president who could not have been accused of infidelity. Some have suggested that Buchanan was gay, but all I have to do is take one look at him in his frilly shirt, and it’s obvious that um, oh, um, never mind. (By the way, if they had the internet back in Buchanan’s day, he would have had the ultimate Tinder profile. Who wouldn’t have “swiped right” on the president? (Getty Images)

While there seems to be a general consensus regarding who were our best and worst presidents, since President’s Day falls dangerously close to Valentine’s Day, I thought that it might behoove us to take a look at the list of presidents who were known to play fast and loose with the presidential “pepperoni,” if you know what I mean. Trump himself has been caught fawning over his own “big, beautiful, rocket,” noting that it is significantly larger than Kim Jong-un’s for example. However, what’s the point of having an impressively large “nuclear salami” if you never get to utilize it?

I felt that in this era, where so-called Christians are willing to look past the egregiously immoral behavior of their candidates, why not take a look back at the list of men who were charged with defending our freedom and security, and yet decided that despite these enormous pressures and responsibilities, there was still time to play “You’ve been a naughty commander-in-chief” with a member of the fairer sex. In no particular order….

  1. Thomas Jefferson — Again, he was a widower, but Sally Hemmings was a slave, and he fathered five children with her. In fairness, he did free her and the children…after he died.
  2. Warren Harding — Allegedly, Harding actually was having two affairs during his marriage. It’s been rumoured that his wife poisoned him, and it was that, and not a “heart attack” that killed him. As a big business Republican, Warren Harding demonstrated little concern for the less-fortunate here in our nation. In other words, it should be noted that despite his healthy sexual appetites, Harding did not have a “hard-on” for the “hard-up.”
  3. Franklin Delano Roosevelt — A “mama’s boy,” who was crippled by polio, FDR still found time to play the field. His affair with Lucy Mercer was discovered by his wife Eleanor, and he promised never to see her again. This occurred before he contracted polio in 1921. Despite his pledge to Eleanor, Mercer was with him when he died in 1945. As I used to point out to my children when they were young, and would accuse me of NEVER allowing them to have any fun, “Never is a long time.”
  4. Dwight D. Eisenhower — “Ike,” could bust-a-move with the best of them. Apparently, in between mediating conflicts between FDR, Churchill, De Gaulle, and Montgomery, as well as planning the “D-Day” invasion, “Ike” made a little time for his secretary, Kay Summersby. All’s fair in love and war.
  5. John F. Kennedy — In fairness to JFK, when your father brings home the woman he is having an affair with to have dinner at the family table with his wife present, it kind of sends a mixed message to your sons about what constitutes monogamy. Kennedy pretty much put the moves on every woman who crossed his path, including occasionally, his wife. The real miracle of his aborted presidency is not that he prevented World War III with the USSR, but that he never contracted an STD. “Ich bin ein herpes.”
  6. Lyndon Johnson — Few presidents were as proud of their “Ten Gallon Hat,” than the larger-than-life Texan. LBJ hit on women constantly, and reportedly fathered a child out-of-wedlock. Through it all, Lady Bird stayed true to her man. In his defense, Johnson believed that like all Johnson men, he would never make it to 50, so it’s possible that he was trying to squeeze as much zest out of life as he could. He also took pains to point out to many of those who served him faithfully, that this Lyndon was endowed with a considerable “Johnson.”
  7. Bill Clinton — Where to start? Gennifer Flowers, Monica Lewinsky, and probably half the women who worked at the Tyson Chicken processing plant in Springfield, Arkansas. Clinton’s conquests, both consensual and otherwise have made him one of the most controversial politicians of the past 50 years. “Slick Willie” could feel your pain, but you better hope he’s using a condom.
  8. George H.W. Bush — I know what you’re thinking, who would stray from home when you have Barbara, a.k.a, the “Silver Fox” waiting in your bed? Well apparently, “Poppy” was known to have had several affairs in his younger days, despite the fact that it wasn’t “prudent.” It’s been suggested even now despite the fact that he’s in his 90s and wheelchair bound, that he will agree to pose for a picture with young women, and then pinch their butts. He tells them that his favorite magician is David “Cop-a-feel.” Now I’m sorry, but that’s adorable.
  9. James Garfield — He’s known primarily for being killed just a few months into office by a frustrated office seeker, but apparently Garfield was quite the “play-ah.” Apparently, not only was Garfield known to carry on affairs with much younger women, but he also supposedly visited a prostitute in New Orleans during his 1880 campaign for the presidency. As an aside, he hated Mondays and loved lasagna.
  10. Donald Trump — I would give a full and detailed list of every woman he has carried on an illicit affair with while he was married to his various wives, but the list grows so quickly, I honestly can’t keep up. Suffice to say, we all know where he likes to grab them. I suppose we could sum up Trump simply by stating that “Orange is the new perv.”

He’s too old to rock ’n’ roll but too young to die, and apparently too horny for either. (New York Times)

Were people truly shocked when it turned out that Bill Clinton was having an affair right in the oval office? If modern presidential polling is to be believed, then the answer appears to be no. His popularity actually went up when these details were revealed. Time has only softened the effect of these revelations. The fact that Barack Obama proved to be a dedicated father and husband didn’t win him one single accolade from the so-called Evangelicals or “Religious Right.” As for Trump, he famously stated during the campaign that he could shoot somebody in the middle of New York City, and his supporters wouldn’t blink an eye. You could probably amend that sentiment and add that he could hump somebody right in the middle of New York City with his orange tuchas on display for all to see, and Franklin Graham, Billy’s “Cain-like” child, would call it a blessing on a par with drinking out of the “holy grail” itself. However, this was not always the case.

Presidential sexual escapades or “sexcapades,” have been a constant in American politics for over 200 years. The question is, did the press know about this, and choose to cover it up? The answers are, yes, and yes. Reporters have always known what the president was up to, particularly if the president was like JFK, and he showed literally no discretion. Kennedy’s reckless behavior left him wide open for being blackmailed, but none of the predominantly male press corps would ever blow up his spot. At least until Nixon, or perhaps LBJ, the press and the public had respect for the office of the presidency. However, and this is due in part to changing mores, the ascension of women in the media, and the continued narcissistic behavior of so many inhabitants of the White House, the days where the president gets a free pass, or a wink and a nod from the “boy’s club” that historically made up the press corps, is completely over.

Who has two thumbs and will prey sexually on anything that moves? This guy! (Getty Images)

Not everybody however finds the president’s active libido all that charming.

Apparently voting for Trump despite his misogynistic ways is one thing, living with him would appear to be a treat of a whole other sort. (You Tube)

I’m not puritanical on any level, and I’m the first to admit that what happens between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, or anything in between, is the business of those people, and none of my affair. I would also point out that history tells us that just because a president has a wandering eye, it doesn’t preclude him from being effective or even excellent at his job.

However, the question we should ask ourselves as Americans is, “Should we expect more from our elected leaders, particularly the president?” Don’t we have a right to demand that a president exercise some decorum in the office of the presidency? If we are going to tell our sons to respect women, and teach our daughters to not be disrespected when they are at work or school, wouldn’t it help the public discourse if our president conducted himself differently than let’s say “The Bachelor.” It’s one thing when “The Bachelor” says for the 500th time that he has to “follow his heart,” but that doesn’t mean I want my president to utter this drivel, especially when the whole world turns to him for leadership. Remember, infidelity by definition is a lie, and one lie begets many lies. If you are willing to lie to the woman you promised to honor and cherish, what does that say about your word when it comes to the American people, or foreign leaders, both friend and foe alike?

Say what you want about “Tricky Dick,” but he reportedly never cheated on his wife Pat, not even once. On the other hand, comedian Chris Rock points out that, “Most married men are only as faithful as their options.” They may not have been jumping out of the woodwork for Nixon like they were for JFK. (Getty Images)

While some may be willing to forgive a president for engaging in illicit affairs since the pressures of the office are like no other, I would counter that sentiment by stating that above all else, having an affair while in power is about as reckless an act as a person could partake in. I don’t believe the American people want to see the man with the nuclear codes engaging in reckless behavior, not with so much on the line.

It really doesn’t make any sense. You run for president, you beat the odds and win, and now you are one of 45 people over the past 228 years to serve as president of the United States, and the first thing you’re going to do is throw it away by “porking” an intern or a porn star, or a Playboy centerfold. Not only is this very risky behavior, but talk about trolling for trollops. Is this really the best that the leader of the free world can do? I mean, Tony Romo was a complete bust in the post season as quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, and he still had Jessica Simpson in her prime. C’mon fellas, have a little class, the whole world is watching.