So many Democrats, and only one Trump

24 Democrats vying for a derogatory nickname from the commander-in-chief.

So many Democrats, and only one Trump

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When I think about the 2020 presidential election, I can’t help but think of Jonathan Swift’s majestic traveler, the indomitable Gulliver, who found himself swarmed upon by the diminutive Lilliputians, and was staked down to the ground when they set upon him, until he decided to simply get up and end their feeble attempt to subdue their unwelcome behemoth who had arrived on the shores of their world.

Gulliver shook them off with a shrug, and it got me thinking about Donald Trump. Why would Gulliver remind me of the “Orange Menace?” Consider 24 (Or is it now more?) democratic candidates attempting to tie down and swarm the engorged occupant of the White House, (Unless it’s one of the over 100 days per year that he spends playing golf at one of his properties.) who it would seem only has to sit himself in an upright position to shrug off these tiny would-be challengers. Sometimes 24 isn’t enough, especially when the opponent is Trump.

Imagine if Gulliver could tweet? “Little Lilliputians, total losers, none of their women are even close to a “10.” (You Tube)

Are there actually any democratic candidates who are presently seeking their party’s nomination for the presidency in 2020 that Trump should be concerned about? Well according to the most recent polls, apparently former Vice-President Joe Biden has a sizable lead in many key battleground states against the president. Is Biden seriously a threat to the president’s reelection aspirations? He must be, Trump keeps changing his nickname looking for something that will stick. So far he has crafted…

1. “Sleepy” Joe Biden
2. “Swampy” Joe Biden
3. “Creepy” Joe Biden
4. “Sleepy-Creepy” Joe Biden
5. “Crazy” Joe Biden

Personally I’m partial to “Crazy,” since Biden seems hell-bent on reminding us of our “crazy” uncle, so it’s possible that, that particular nickname could actually backfire on “Porn-star banging Donnie.” (I’m not saying that my nickname for Trump will stick, but I do believe it will play well with his ridiculous “faith” voters who seem to think he’s the second coming despite his despicable public and private behavior.) The thing about Biden is, he’s been in the public square for so long, anything that people think about him already is most likely so baked into the proverbial cake, that I’m not sure there’s anything Trump or anybody else can say about him that would shock anyone or change people’s minds.

Joe Biden comes from a kinder, gentler time in Washington, D.C. Now he has to fight off Trump and “AOC.” I’m not sure if he will stand the test. After all, in 1988, this guy was beaten by Michael Dukakis. (You Tube)

Aside from “Uncle Joe” Biden, the only other household name amongst the 24 party hopefuls is of course the last American hippy, Chip Monk. Oh wait, that’s the hippie DJ from the Woodstock concert whose job it was to make sure that 300,000 teenagers had something to eat. No, I of course refer to Bernie Sanders. Bernie made quite a run in 2016, narrowly losing to Hillary, and then doing such a good job of damaging the former Secretary of State, that the left-wing of the Democratic party decided to stay home in an inane silent protest basically handing the election to Trump.

This time, Bernie will not be denied, except that he trails Biden in Iowa and elsewhere, so what is a 77 year old Jewish/Atheist senator from Brooklyn who represents Vermont to do? Well hopefully, America’s most famous Democratic-Socialist will know when to fold ’em this time, and not do so much damage that Trump can cruise to another term. Bernie of course claims that he did all that he could to help Hillary get elected, however many Bernie supporters still proclaim proudly that they’d rather stay home on Election Day, than see another Democratic candidate be handed the mantle of party stalwart when that title had been so clearly stolen from their beloved Bernie.

Bernie Sanders on his 23rd birthday. No, no, just kidding of course. Bernie at age 47, but be honest, he really doesn’t look that different. Also, how upset over the 1% having all of the wealth do you have to be that you never have time to comb your hair? (You Tube)

There’s a bit of a drop off in popularity and name recognition after the two “early-bird special” enthusiasts at the top of the democratic polls. What of these other 22 contenders? Do they even have a prayer? Can we honestly believe that after the February 3rd, 2020 Iowa caucus there will be more than two or three of these challengers still in the race? How many of these cock-eyed optimists do you think you could even name? Well if you thought Seth Moulton was the weekend weather guy on your local news station, then you’ve already lost. Lucky for you I still have some unfinished tasks to perform due to my mandatory community service demands. So, in order to satisfy my probation officer, here are the 24 hopefuls broken down for you alphabetically the way the good lord in all of his wisdom intended, in all of their splendor:

1. Michael Bennet (D) — A senator from Colorado, he’s the moderate choice. A purple state favorite who says that he knows how to win in middle-America. Um, I wouldn’t know him if I fell on him, so hopefully they know him in middle-America.
2. Joe Biden (D) — Former vice-president of the United States, he’s got a million-dollar smile, discount hair-plugs, and apparently, is not afraid to get his hands dirty…and put them on your shoulders.
3. Bill de Blasio (D) — Very tall and super liberal mayor of New York City. No New York City mayor has ever made it to the presidency or anywhere else. However, there’s one plus. If he wins, he’ll be the only president who could sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom and have his feet hangover the edge of the bed due to his 6″5 stature.
4. Cory Booker (D) — A former mayor of Newark, he once rescued somebody from a burning building. He was also a Division I athlete, and is a bachelor. James Buchanan’s tenuous hold on being the only bachelor president could be imperiled.
5. Steve Bullock (D) — Um, I’ve never heard of him. However, upon researching him, I discovered that he’s the governor of Montana. For a Democrat, winning in a red-state is impressive, and compared to Idahoans, Montanans are virtual Einsteins, so don’t dismiss this rugged executive.
6. Pete Buttigieg (D) — He is easily the most famous homosexual, military veteran, Christian, Ivy League graduate mayor of a rather modest city in the country. I can’t however support anybody whose name I can’t pronounce or who looks like somebody’s neighbor on Modern Family.
7. Julián Castro (D) — He was the Secretary of Housing under President Obama, and he’s Hispanic, and from Texas. The demographics of Texas are changing, so perhaps he should run for senator against Jon Cornyn instead?
8. John Delaney (D) — Another guy I had to google. Apparently he’s a congressman from Maryland. Um, yeah, he probably shouldn’t give up his day-job.
9. Tulsi Gabbard (D) — A war veteran and congresswoman from Hawaii, she’s a compelling figure, and not exactly a left-winger, however she’s already aggravated many in the party due to some of her comments, but keep an eye out for her as a vice-presidential possibility.
10. Kirsten Gillibrand (D) — New York’s other Democratic senator, I can support her because I’ve actually met her twice, and even a gave a speech when I was running for Town Board here in Clifton Park, at the same event she was at when she was running for Congress against the man who could never say no to a good table-dance, the Honorable John Sweeney. You can ask anybody who was there that night, I outperformed her. Of course she won her race and I lost so it really didn’t matter, but still, if she can’t outperform moi, how’s she going to take down Trump? Also, many Democrats can’t forgive her for forcing Liberal superstar Senator Al Franken out of the Senate for something that at worst was silly.
11. Mike Gravel (D) — So I don’t know him either. He was a senator from Alaska the same year the Mets, Jets, and Knicks won their championships. Yes, he’s that old. 89 to be exact. Even Bernie says he’s too old.
12. Kamala Harris (D) — The freshman senator from California is a tough as nails former prosecutor, and my early on favorite. She would be a formidable candidate, and if she’s not the presidential nominee, she should be considered for vice-president.
13. John Hickenlooper (D) — I don’t know if the former governor of Colorado is “folksy,” but with a name like Hickenlooper, he is in my eyes.
14. Jay Inslee (D) — This governor of Washington has tried to make climate issues his step-ladder to the top. If he was smart he would reach out to that Gates fellow from Microsoft to fund his campaign, otherwise, I don’t think Jay is going to last too long.
15. Amy Klobuchar (D) — This senator from Minnesota is very popular in her home state. She is both folksy and tough, perhaps too tough. Many have complained about the fact that she can be rough on her staff. Of course if she was a man, they’d say he was demanding.
16. Wayne Messam (D) — He’s the mayor of Miramar, Florida. Look if I can’t find the place on a map, I’m not even going to bother making a joke about you.
17. Seth Moulton (D) — This congressman from Massachusetts is a former Marine, so you know he’s tough. He’s also an Ivy Leaguer which means that after he kicks the crap out of you, he can destroy you in a spelling bee.
18. Beto O’Rourke (D) — This crunchy former congressman from Texas gave Ted Cruz a run for his money…and lost. For some reason this convinced him to run for the presidency. I’m losing interest in Beto rapidly.
19. Tim Ryan (D) — An old-school blue-collar congressman from Ohio, he doesn’t have a prayer, but perhaps he can gain a little notoriety and run for the senate against Rob Portman.
20. Bernie Sanders (I) — Apparently he doesn’t like the top 1% so I’m told.
21. Eric Swalwell (D) — This California congressman is great at Trump bashing on Twitter, other than that, he’s probably going to get some nice parting gifts after Iowa. Case of Turtle Wax Eric?
22. Elizabeth Warren (D) — She’s smart, tenacious, folksy, and actually has ideas that she would implement if elected. She’s kind of like the Democrat’s answer to John Kasich. I like her, but the thought of Trump calling her “Pocahontas” for all of 2020 is enough to put me on a suicide watch.
23. Marianne Williamson (D) — She’s an author apparently who wrote a best-seller called How to Live Forever. Instead of running for the presidency, perhaps she should expand on that idea instead.
24. Andrew Yang (D) — This successful businessman from Schenectady has made such a splash in the race, that I’ve never even heard of him despite the fact that he grew up 10 minutes from where I live. I’m sure Trump would love to try to figure out a few nicknames for Yang.

I’m not gonna lie. I so want Bill de Blasio’s family to be the first-family of the United States just to see what the people in Idaho and Wyoming do. Then I want de Blasio to resign cause I really don’t care for him. (You Tube)

Let’s be honest, most Democrats are apoplectic over the upcoming election. They feel that on the one hand, there’s enough anger in the country that Trump should have no chance of getting re-elected. However, Democrats are also so mentally and emotionally scarred from 2016, that in the back of their minds, they are beginning to see Trump as unbeatable. The answer is that neither one of those opinions are probably correct. There’s a long way to go before the next presidential election, and sometimes events have to play out a little before we can take the temperature of the electorate. Remember, as my mother used to say, the only true way to take the temperature of anything is rectally, which means if you want to know who’s going to win in 2020, check out Florida for what I believe are obvious reasons.