Pets who snuggle and maul
Some people seem to have a need to own pets that can actually kill them.
I don’t wish to be one of those nervous Nellies, and I certainly don’t want to be labeled as an alarmist, but let’s be honest, life is dangerous, and at the end of the day we’re all pretty lucky just to have survived. For example, my wife was telling me a story the other day about when she was on a business trip to Maine where she and her friend were having dinner next to a window in a restaurant, and a car came flying down the road, smashed into a bunch of other cars and almost pushed up right next to where they were sitting. Nobody expects to sit down for dinner, and as an appetizer be served a healthy helping of broken fenders and busted glass, but that’s how quickly things can go down.
Some of us it would seem love the idea of courting danger, while others are always seeking a safe distance from any type of risk. However, there are also those individuals that are selective regarding what kinds of situations in which they are willing to throw caution to the wind. For instance, I know people who won’t go to Europe because they fear a terrorist attack, or not being able to return to the United States due to some sort of passport snafu, and yet these same individuals think nothing of venturing out on the highway on a daily basis where their chances of being killed in an automobile accident dwarf their odds of dying in a terrorist attack or having to serve time in a Bulgarian prison. These same people most likely give little thought to all of the germs we encounter on a daily basis, as well as household accidents that can end one’s existence such as slipping in the bathtub, or falling off a ladder. Yes, negotiating one’s path throughout the given day without getting oneself killed is no easy endeavor. Despite all of the booby-traps that lie in wait for all of us, there are those who will play Russian roulette with their safety, particularly in regards to what they invite into their own house. In other words, when our lives are wrought with danger, why on God’s green Earth would one take the risk of owning a pet that could kill you? (Spoiler alert — people are stupid.)
“Oh, my, God, when Spike’s looking up at you with those eyes as his jaws lock down upon your leg like a soup bone it is freakin’ adorable. I’ve got to put this on Facebook Live!” (You Tube)
The other day a news story caught my eye, and once again I was struck by the concept of human stupidity on display in the marketplace. A 75 year-old gentleman by the name of Marvin Hajos of Gainesville, Florida (It has to be Florida because, it just has to be.) apparently kept a large flightless bird known as a cassowary on his rural property, and unfortunately fell down in the vicinity of the bird, and was thusly attacked and mortally wounded by said bird, (Apparently “bird” is the word when it comes to one of the ways I definitely don’t wish to die.) before being taken to UF Shands Hospital where he later died from his bird inflicted wounds. These birds are a cousin of the emu, and apparently are not to be trifled with. They are literally known as the world’s deadliest bird. They can jump over five feet in the air, can weigh as much as 130 pounds, and can grow as tall as 6″5. Only the ostrich is bigger in the world of birds. The cassowary can run as fast as 30 miles per hour, and they seem to be built more like an athletic wide receiver than one of our more typical fine-feathered friends.
(I’m sorry, I’m not inviting that lethal beast into my yard anytime soon. On the other hand, he would come in handy for apple picking. You Tube)
Just like some individuals are attracted to fast cars, skydiving, hang gliding, and even fast women, (You know, like Jackie Joiner-Kersee) some people are attracted to dangerous pets. What inspires such behavior? Why do some people feel they need to take a chance on having a pet that could turn on them, their families, neighbors, or friends? Well I’m sure they’d tell you that there really is no danger, and that most of the time when a pet, even an unconventional one attacks, it’s much more the fault of the owner or the victim than the animal who was simply defending itself, its territory, its family, or was just confused, like the time an ex-neighbor of mine saw their Rottweiler confuse their son’s face for a bone and almost tore it off. Again, the kid was partly at fault due to the rugged bone-structure of his face. I mean, what’s a hungry Rottweiler to do?
While most people’s decision to have a dog is usually based on either companionship or as a treat for the kids (Who almost never take care of them.) there are a handful of breeds who are purchased for the purpose of either helping to guard the family home, or for hunting. However, while some may question the idea of bringing in either a German shepherd, a Doberman pinscher or the above mentioned Rottweiler, no dog breed has been the subject of more debate than the infamous pit bull, or as it’s known by its proper name,(And if you know what’s good for you you’ll call it by its proper name.)the American pit bull terrier. Pit bulls have by far the worst reputation of any breed of dog that are owned here in the United States. The question is, has this reputation been fairly earned, or is the pit bull simply a victim of bad press…like the president.
Interestingly, the most famous pit bull of all time was “Pete the Pup” from the classic Little Rascals comedy shorts. Thanks to Pete, pit bulls used to enjoy a positive reputation. If people who profess to love the pit bull are concerned about their reputation, the first thing they should do is draw a circle around their left eye, it makes them appear far more lovable. (You Tube)
Most pit bull owners stand by their breed of choice, and are practically indignant over the idea that their sweet dog would ever consider doing any harm to anyone. Interestingly, or should I say anecdotally, as soon as you engage a pit bull owner in a discussion regarding their dog, they will almost always invariably discuss how the dog bit them, or went after them, or somebody in their family, or a friend, or a child, or a neighbor, or another dog. They will then quickly redirect you however by pointing out that it was never the dog’s fault. Perhaps, but according to knrlegal.com, between 1982 and 2014, the three dog breeds most likely to bite people are in order:
- Pit Bull
- Rottweilers
- Pit Bull Mixes
Many people do like them though, and their reasons make sense. They can be quite snuggly, they are of course good guard dogs, (Perhaps too good?) pit bulls have a cool look about them, they are fun, plus, owning one provides some people with a certain amount of street gravitas much the way very large pickup trucks help people with small “wieners” compensate. Despite these positive attributes, many pit bull owners end up regretting their decision to bring these particular dogs into their homes. How do I know that many of these people end up regretting their decision to bring a powerful jaw and set of teeth attached to a dog into their homes? Again, anecdotally, if you ever watch Pet Connection on WTEN here in Albany with Steve Caporizzo, the local weatherman, he tries to showcase a dog (or a cat) every day at 5:50pm. Almost without exception, unless the dog is really old and desperately needs a home, the breed is invariably a pit bull. Of course, the good people at Pet Connection are fully aware that if they call the dog a “pit bull,” nobody in their right mind is going to want to adopt it. So they always refer to the dog as a “pitty mix,” meaning he’s got pit bull in him. Sure, meanwhile the thing looks like the Wikipedia stock photo of a pit bull. (Of course as mentioned earlier, pit bull mixes are the third most likely dog breed to bite a human.) Then they always throw in that the owner could no longer take care of the dog, but it’s not the dog’s fault, it’s nothing they did. Meanwhile the thing is literally burping up pieces of his ex-owner’s arm.
While some may seek out a rougher and more rugged looking dog for whatever pleasure that gives them, at least pit bulls are domesticated and meant for family homes, there are however those who wish to bring into their places of dwelling animals that may not be meant to be kept as pets. For example, a few years ago owning a monkey seemed to be all the rage. This was perpetuated most likely by the popularity of the television program Friends, where one of the characters named Ross played by David Schwimmer, had a pet monkey named Marcel. The monkey of course was adorable, human like in its personality, and extremely well-behaved. While I don’t wish to begin a debate with an angry group of God-less Darwinists, or brain-dead Creationists, a monkey may have some human qualities to be sure, but monkeys aren’t humans.
In fact what most people report upon in regards to having a monkey for a pet is that they can be belligerent, wild, destructive, and oh yes, they need a diaper. Remember, not only are they incredibly strong, but they can climb like, well, monkeys! When we lived in Flushing, my wife and I owned two cockatiels, and we purchased them from a tropical pet store. The business trafficked mostly in tropical birds, but they did have a couple of monkeys. You could go right up to their cages and shake their hands, and it was amazing how human looking their hands were. Then they’d reach through the bars and steal your glasses right off of your face. That trick, as cool as it was, did not appeal to be on a micro-level.
Of course the comical aspect of being a monkey owner took a severe turn for the worse a few years ago when a woman who was the owner of an adult chimpanzee found herself fearing for her life when her pet chimp lost its mind and started acting in an extremely aggressive manner. Chimps are incredibly powerful, and while they may be smart and adorable in the movies, they become very ornery as adults and very difficult to control. The woman who was older called her friend who was also older to come and help her, and the chimp proceeded in literally eating the woman’s friend’s face off. I was so taken aback that I had a long stern discussion with our gecko regarding his demeanor and he completely agreed that the Chimp’s behavior was excessive.
This is Travis the chimp, and he was best renowned for almost eating a woman’s face off. Chimps get far more ornery and aggressive as they age, not unlike middle age men, which I have to say Travis definitely reminds me of. He really is like a middle age man, he’s got a receding hairline, man-boobs, and he obviously is forcing a smile while getting his picture taken. Why would you think this would make a good pet? (You Tube)
Here in the Capital Region, Latham, New York to be exact. there was also a tropical pet store which featured odd assortments of fish and birds, and of course the prerequisite monkey, named Jimmy. However this store also possessed for sale two cats that I would best describe as looking like young Cheetahs. Upon further inquiry I discovered that these spotted cats were known as serval cats. The serval cat is considered a “wild” cat, and it needs special care which includes an outdoor pen in a consistently warm climate, and whole live prey to eat. This is your chance to channel your inner Marlin Perkins. The important question of course is, what kind of pets would they make? Well, according to thesprucepets.com, here’s how serval cats rate on the behavioral characteristics chart:
Characteristics of the Serval Cat
Affection LevelMediumFriendlinessLowKid-FriendlyLowPet-FriendlyLowExercise NeedsHighPlayfulnessHighEnergy LevelHighTrainabilityLowIntelligenceHighTendency to VocalizeMedium
In addition, so-called African house cats or serval cats can weigh as much as 40 pounds, can live up to 20 years, and if you aren’t sold yet, good news, they are nocturnal. Yes, I literally can’t wait to purchase me one of these. I’m sick of my neighbor’s water Bbuffalo acting like they own the local watering hole.
I knew it was a mistake not to purchase that serval cat at the local tropical pet store. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to fend off cobra attacks by myself because I was too cheap and lazy to purchase that predator, I mean cat. (You Tube)
When I was growing up on Long Island, my father bought me a smallish fish tank. It was a little out of our collective skills set, and often the tank was a little dank. My brother once claimed that it was like having the East River in our family room. At any rate we would take rides on Saturdays to Ed’s Aquarium on Hempstead Turnpike, and purchase whatever breed of tropical fish that cost less than a buck, but might not die by the time we arrived at home. While we were there, I can remember taking a look at all of the fish that I knew we could never own, including the piranhas. The piranhas were not for sale, which was probably a good thing considering I don’t think they made a plastic bag large enough to carry them home.
For those of you not in the know, piranhas are predatory fish found in the Amazon and other tropical waterways in South America. They are known as fierce hunters, and any fish or animal that happens upon them in the wild is taking a chance with their health. Piranhas travel in large schools, and legend has it that they can attack a human or other large mammal in such a feeding frenzy that they can strip a human to the bone in a matter of minutes. However, according to thesprucepets.com, piranha attacks are rare, and most piranhas prefer to scavenge than hunt, although they are attracted to blood. Piranha ownership is typically illegal, and if it makes you sleep better at night, more piranhas are eaten by people than vice versa. Still, there are plenty of individuals out there who’d love to own one.
One excellent reason for owning a piranha is that you can use them as scissors. Before you say that’s ridiculous, consider how often you misplace the scissors at home. You would never misplace your piranha. (You Tube)
There are many “macho” men out there who like the idea of dangerous pets. However, there are also eclectic individuals who love the idea of owning a snake or a tarantula. You always see those goth girls, or creepy guys who seem to get a bang out of walking around with a snake around their necks. Is this a healthy relationship? As for Tarantulas, I’m not sure what the attraction there is, but I lived with a guy in my fraternity house who had a tarantula, and it escaped. It eventually turned out to be crawling above his head on the ceiling. I think I would have jumped off the roof if that happened to me. Sorry, no arachnids, that’s a deal breaker.
Here’s how I see it, in my house I have to be the alpha male. That means that whatever dog I own, or any other pet that makes its way into our lives has to be a species that I can kick its ass if it comes to it. All of our dogs have been beagles or some variation of a beagle, and our other pets which have included fish, cockatiels, a gecko and the crickets that it ate, and even a hermit crab were of the size where I knew I could lay the smack down upon them if necessary. The only beast in this house who likes bananas, has a hairy back, and tends to be a little ornery, and has opposable thumbs, is this guy.