Mr. Kraft and the art of the pre-game celebration

Mr. Kraft and the art of the pre-game celebration

I’ve always been envious of strategic thinkers. Great minds that know how to strategize going forward have always impressed me since I don’t seem to have a mind wired for such things. Detectives, scientists, or anybody who can look at clues and put the pieces together are truly geniuses in my humble opinion. Those who can find a pattern where it would appear none would exist possess the most enviable of minds. These are the kinds of individuals who aren’t daunted by a complex puzzle. Do you consider yourself a strategic thinker? What if I gave you a handful of clues? Could you figure out the subject that I’m hinting at? Let’s find out. Here’s the pieces of the puzzle.

1. A 77-year-old man
2. The most successful and hated franchise in football history
3. Runaway hypocrisy
4. Human sex trafficking
5. Blind tribalism
6. Happy endings
7. AFC Championship game
8. The so-called privileges of being a billionaire

Okay, give up my would-be Hercule Poirot? Here’s the solution. A 77-year-old man decided that he wanted a “happy ending” from a place that apparently trafficked humans for sex on the day of the AFC Championship game. He happened to be the owner of the New England Patriots, the most successful football team over the past 20 years. This billionaire obviously felt he could do whatever he wanted since he always does, and while all of the sycophants in football refer to him as “Mr. Kraft,” he was actually a pathetic whore mongerer who felt it was okay to get a sexual favor from a “slave,” but believed Colin Kaepernick to basically be the anti-Christ. Finally, none of his fans care because his team wins, and in the age of “Trump,” winning is all that matters, and if it benefits your “tribe,” so much the better. Whew, not bad, huh?

Mr. Kraft, holding on to his second favorite piece of hardware. There’s no proof by the way that before he got in legal trouble, Kraft was going to insist on putting the Patriots logo on the Vince Lombardi Trophy and replace the NFL insignia. There’s no proof, but it seems like something he would do. (You Tube)

There are so many facets to the Bob Kraft arrest down in Florida for soliciting prostitution, that perhaps the way to attack this is by examining the list of issues related to this case that I previously mentioned.

1. A 77-year-old man — Neither I, nor anybody else truly has the right to presume when a man or woman for that matter should be done with their interest in sex. However, there’s something both curious as well as sad as to why a man in his late 70s would feel the need to go to what was essentially a sexual slavery market, on the day of his team’s AFC Championship game no less, for a little self-encouragement. Mr. Kraft is a widower, and a lot was made at the time of his wife’s death back in 2011 to how tight he and his wife were, and how important she was to the team. The Patriots as an organization appeared to be distraught, as was the team’s owner, and it seemed sad that an older man with so much going for him would have to suffer the loss of his wife. If in fact Mr. Kraft was lonely as a result of this loss, nobody should begrudge him seeking companionship. However, paying for sexual service at the age of 77 seems like a rather pathetic way of procuring “intimacy” when I’m sure there were other ways for this “gentleman” as everybody on television seems to insist on referring to him as, to get his balls first inflated, and then deflated, as my brother would say.

This is Mr. Kraft with his girlfriend of the past five years, who is approximately 40 years younger than the swinging owner of the Patriots. The poor widower, who allegedly fathered a child with this young woman, seems to have made a seamless transition from married man to grieving widower, to swinging bachelor. By they way, and this may come as a surprise to some of you, Mr. Kraft is a Trump supporter. (You Tube)

2. The most successful and hated franchise in football history — Look, when you’ve won six Super Bowls, people outside of your fan base are going to resent you. People hate the Yankees, and the Celtics, and so they are going to hate New England as well. However, it’s so much more than that. They have a coach who is nasty and surly, even when he wins, a quarterback who has never offered the league or the fans anything other than non-answers and lies, and an owner who has attempted to establish himself as some sort of paragon of virtue. This would be fine except that Mr. Kraft has overseen at least two disgraceful episodes under his command including “Spygate,” illegally videotaping other teams, and “Deflategate,” altering illegally how much air should be in his team’s footballs, and then lying about both scandals, and blaming subordinates. In addition to all of these unsavory examples, the Patriots have successfully intimidated the referees in the NFL to the point that they are more distracted during New England games than a World Wide Wrestling Federation referee being accosted by Captain Lou Albano.

Mr. Kraft, like all good bosses knows how to delegate and give orders, just ask NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. (New York Times)

3. Runaway hypocrisy — Kraft, the self-described supporter of the “Orange Menace” who is currently occupying the White House, the man who is the national hero to the so-called Evangelicals and “Values Voters” all over this great land of ours, would appear to be blissfully unconcerned with some of God’s commandments and deadly sins. More peculiar however for this paragon of virtue and all things America, is his refusal to allow his players to kneel during the playing of the National Anthem. Obviously whoring during one’s off hours is more righteous than peacefully protesting injustice. Of course a league that allows and promotes players, coaches, and apparently owners who abuse drugs, and alcohol, practice domestic violence, absentee parenting, carry illegal firearms, and now solicit prostitutes who would appear to be victims of human sex trafficking, but yet frowns upon peaceful protest carried out before its game, would appear to be the perfect place for the marquee franchise to be headed by a gentleman like Mr. Kraft.

The only way the NFL will tolerate “taking a knee” is if it concludes with a happy ending. (New York Times)

4. Human sex trafficking — Nobody is accusing Mr. Kraft of being involved in this horrific crime, but he and apparently 25 others are being charged with soliciting prostitution from the Orchids of Asia Day Spa in Jupiter, Florida. Even President Trump has stated that one of the reasons that he needs a wall built along our Southern border is to put an end to human sex trafficking. An investigation noticed that the day spa seemed to have women living at the spa. These women were little more than sex slaves, and apparently, Mr. Kraft was caught on camera paying at the front desk of the spa, as well as being laid upon a table so he could have his “little Mr. Kraft” inflated before being deflated.

5. Blind tribalism — So New England fans are outraged, right? Um, not quite. In fact, since the Patriots have been caught numerous times lying and cheating, with little loss of faith amongst their bandwagon followers, a little dalliance by the sainted Mr. Kraft is really nothing more than a minor inconvenience. None of us should be surprised by this considering that we have become so tribalized that as long as it’s our team or our political party, no sin committed by “our guys” is nearly enough to shake our faith. Barry Bonds blows up like a Thanksgiving float in the Macy’s Day Parade in order that he can blast 100 home runs in a season, no biggie, his fans packed Pac Bell Stadium in San Francisco to capacity so they could cheer themselves hoarse for the freakish wonder. Donald Trump gleefully admits he grabs women by their most private of areas, but apparently that’s not a problem for his hardened supporters who can’t wait to vote for him again in 2020. Roy Moore, a man who was by all accounts a child molester almost wins a race for Senator down in Alabama simply because the state which is dominated by the Republican party couldn’t bring themselves to vote for a Democrat. Yes, our tribe can’t be wrong if it feels so right.

Sorry Mr. Kraft, you’re not likely to get one of your vaunted Super Bowl rings back from President Putin. He simply polls too highly amongst Republicans for your favorite president to put any pressure on him. You can thank tribalism for that. (You Tube)

6. Happy Endings — Apparently, day spas and massage parlors offer a special little diddy that’s not found on their menus. It involves people who are already pretty good with their hands, delivering a little extra bonus for their male customers. While I don’t believe they offer any coupons for discounts in let’s say the local Clipper Magazine, it is available through what some would call their “secret menu.” You know, the kind that exist in fast food restaurants that would allow you to have a burger at McDonald’s sandwiched in between two hash brown cakes. It’s called a “Hash-burger,” and you have to ask for it.

7. AFC Championship game — The fact that Mr. Kraft allegedly paid for and received his “happy ending” hours before his team was set to play in the AFC Championship game to see if they would once again be playing in the Super Bowl, tells us just how greedy and gluttonous men are. It’s not enough that the guy was going to get to watch his team play for the opportunity to go to yet another Super Bowl, or that he would be sitting in a luxury box with the world at his fingertips, no, he had to go for the triple play. How do I add sex to this day that’s already pretty damn good. Oh I know, let me go for a “massage,” and as long as there are female hands upon my person, why not have the little lady venture her hands ever so gently below the Equator. Men are the best.

“Hey Tom, guess what I did before the game? You’ll never guess. Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It rhymes with “Crappy Bending.”” (You Tube)

8. The so-called benefits of being a billionaire — It’s good to be rich, or so it would seem. You wake up in Florida because it’s too cold up north, even on the day the team you own is playing in AFC Championship game. You go for a massage and a little bit extra, and then you fly to the game, and then you get to home with a beautiful girlfriend who is 40 years your junior. I guess saying no to yourself is kind of a lost cause, so why not do something unseemly, as well as anything else you want.

“We finally have a president in the White House who truly understands the pressure of being a business owner. (New York Times)

At the end of the day, Mr Kraft is being charged with a Class A misdemeanor, not a very serious crime. As for his morals, again, who are we to judge? Except, this is a man who has established himself as well as his team as being above reproach, and the very idea that their values, morals, or ethics can be called into question is simply not a subject that can be approached. It is the hypocrisy of Mr. Kraft, and all of his supporters, fans, and sycophants in and around the league that is sickening. The next time Joe Buck, or Greg Gumbel, or any of the talking heads that broadcast Patriot games refers to him as “Mr. Kraft,” and how what a class guy he and his family and organization are, the bile in every good-hearted American’s throat should ascend out of their mouths and onto the nearest object in the room. It’s all that a decent person can be expected to do.

• Editors’s Note — The author is bitter Jets fan, (Is there any other kind?) and his views on all things Tom Brady, Robert Kraft, Bill Belichick, “Gronk,” and Julian Edleman should be considered in this light. Oh yeah, and the Patriots cheat.