“Hot” people vs. “Cold” people

"Hot" people vs. "Cold" people

By Rob Hoffman on March 12, 2018 at 5:25 AM

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The ides of March are upon us. The vernal equinox is approaching, and what I want to know is, when the hell is it going to get warm out? This is of course the lament of every person who calls the Northeast their home. You always hear the same thing from these individuals, particularly the lifelong residents of this area. “Oh I hope we have a white Christmas!” “If we’re lucky we can even ski this Thanksgiving.” “Maybe for New Year’s Day we can break out our snowmobiles.” Then, literally on January 2nd, the tone changes. “When is it going to be spring already?” “Is this snow ever going to melt?” “We are definitely going away for February break.” How does something as arbitrary as cold weather and snow go from charming and endearing to horrific, and the cause of so much despondence?

March in the Northeast looks heavenly, until you have to shovel it. (Hoffman Collection)

There are some, especially those who call the South or the West their home who can’t even conceive of life in the great Northeast. They can’t believe that there are people who actually choose to live here. Even those who originate from places like Upstate, New York, who then move to the South or West Coast, seem completely horrified at the thought of having to deal with the snow and the blow. My sister-in-law who grew up in the epicenter of lake effect snow in Western, New York, just said to us recently that she couldn’t imagine moving back up North and dealing with the snow now that she lives in New Orleans. Is it that bad? I mean, just a couple of weeks ago it was 73 degrees. The way Trump is handling global warming, it’s going to keep getting warmer up here, and with the seas rising, we will all pretty soon have beach-front property in the Capital Region.

As far as Southern and Western folks are concerned, there are simply no benefits to living in the great white North. This got me thinking about the benefits of living in the Northeast vs. the South and West. Firstly, here are the pros of “Northern exposure.”

The brisk and blustery pros of northern living

1. Four seasons — Early winter, winter, late winter, and summer
2. A White Christmas — At least there’s always a chance.
3. No Bugs in the winter time — Except for roaches. Those bastards can live through anything
4. Skiing — I don’t ski, so I don’t care, but I suppose this is a plus as far as some people are concerned.
5. An appreciation for nice days — You know not to take good weather for granted. Actually, even if the day begins looking like it’s going to be nice, usually by four o’clock, the clouds have rolled in, and this typically means that something bad is about to go down.

Of course, that’s not to say that it’s all “peaches & herb” here in the North country. Here are some of the frostier qualities of northern living.

The icy cons of life in the great white North.

1. Rain — Only in the summer and spring, and late fall.
2. Winter — Not surprisingly, all ten of the cities in America which are ranked as having the most depressing winters are located in the North. Worse yet, three of them, Syracuse, Rochester, and Buffalo are all in New York State. Fortunately, you don’t have to spend too much time focused on the lousy weather. Their economies are pretty depressed as well.
3. Ticks and Mosquitos — You’d think that the weather would kill off these pests, but unfortunately, ticks are practically indestructible. As for mosquitos, they can breed in like a teaspoon of water, and with all of the rain we get in the Northeast, they are sure to be fruitful in their multiplying.
4. Pool Season — There really isn’t one. Six weeks really doesn’t constitute a pool season, but that’s about what you get in a given year.
5. Expense — Not only isn’t it cheap to heat your house, but you must have at least two sets of clothes, one for winter and another for summer. Flip flops are a hell of a lot cheaper than Timberlands.

Under that massive snow drift is Buffalo, New York. If you’ve ever heard the term “lake effect snow,” this is what they are talking about. I’m guessing they don’t have to worry about this in San Diego. (You Tube)

Southerners as well as those who dwell on the West coast of California see only the good in living where they do. Are they correct in assuming that life is better south of the Mason-Dixon line?

The warm pros of the Southern lifestyle

1. You only need one season’s worth of clothes — This really means that for the most part you can get away with a short-sleeve shirt, shorts, and flip-flops almost all year-long. I can’t recall ever hearing anybody ever register a complaint about that.
2. A healthy warm glow — Have you ever seen the skin of a Northern individual October through April? They look like an albino had sexual relations with Shelly Long. Southerners always have that nice bronze hue that says to the world, “Pass the sweet-tea, y’all.”
3. Green Christmas — You get to put up and take down your Christmas decorations while wearing your shorts. My wife and I have stood outside on enough cold late November days to know that, that sounds nice.
4. A never-ending pool season — My sister-in-law in New Orleans doesn’t even close her pool. I thought I saw an iceberg in mine on Labor Day.
5. Cheap, cheap, cheap — Low taxes, cheaper real-estate prices, and usually lower state sales and income taxes. In Florida, if you’re willing to eat dinner by 4pm, the restaurants actually pay you to eat. (Disclaimer, restaurants will not pay you.)

Finally, the true meaning of Christmas. God bless us all, and cowabunga dude. (Getty Images)

Are there drawbacks to living in the South. Y’all got that right.

The steamy and sticky drawbacks to living in the land of Dixie

1. It’s hot! Africa hot! — The heat and the humidity are oppressive. From Washington, D.C. on down, the South is unbearably hot in the summer time. If you don’t have air-conditioning, your life is in danger…literally.
2. It’s humid! — It’s like a rain-forest. It’s sticky and hard-to-breathe. I literally passed out at the Raiders of the Lost Ark show at Disney World in Orlando in August. My thighs chafe just walking around down there. It’s no land for fat men either. Humidity is to fat people what kryptonite is to Superman. You ever see Superman with crotch rot?
3. Bugs — Big, ugly, slimy, stinging, creepy-crawlers, the type only Stephen King can conjure up. How about fire ants? You can’t walk barefoot on your lawn in the south. What is this? Nazi Germany???
4. KKK — Yeah, I went there. Sorry, it’s part of the heritage. So are hillbillies. You know that song “Wild Eyed Southern Boys?” Whenever I hear that I immediately think of Deliverance.
5. The downside of low taxes — Yes there is a downside. If you don’t believe me, ask the teachers in West Virginia. Low taxes mean low teacher salaries, and most likely, inferior childhood education. Sorry, I can’t get behind that.

Fun Fact: Legendary southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd began their career as a Bar Mitzvah band. (Full Disclosure — This fact was more “fun” than “fact.” However the guy in the middle looks a little like our temple’s cantor, Cantor Fogle, whose rendition of “Sweet Home Great Neck” used to rock the Tefillin off of all of the pious men at Jewish Single’s Night at Congregation Beth El. (Getty Images)

Some time ago, the great writer, journalist, and pride of the Capital Region, Andy Rooney, the man who closed out every episode of 60 Minutes from 1978 to 2011, once did one of his commentaries on the difference between “morning people” vs. “night people.” Rooney pointed out how “morning people” tend to be chipper and optimistic, while “night people,” tended to be more grumpy and cynical.

Since I’m a strong believer in not allowing any good idea to go un-pilfered, I thought, if there are in fact “morning people” and “night people,” why couldn’t there be “cold weather” and “hot weather” people. In other words, there seems to be certain individuals who are simply born to thrive in cold weather conditions, while others amongst us seem destined to live their life in warmth. Think about it. There are certain mortals that we usually associate with either hot or cold climates. For example, the late Ronald Reagan and Elvis Presley, as well as Charlize Theron, Clint Eastwood, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers all strike me as “hot weather people.” They are the type of creatures who thrive on sunshine, outdoor activities, looking tanned, rested, and relaxed, while also not being afraid to get all sweaty. At the same time, Wayne Gretzky, Bill Gates, the late Burl Ives, as well as Jerry Seinfeld, and the band Squeeze strike me as “cold weather people.” They like to rock the turtle-neck, sip coco, curl up by the fire, and regale in their pasty white skin.

“The Great One,” all bundled up to do his work on his favorite surface. Ice, ice baby! Remember, you can’t skate on sand, or in a buffalo herd. (You Tube)

There are some people who only look comfortable in a cold weather climate, while others look far more at home in a more balmy setting. It’s hard to imagine Gretzky for example shirtless on the beach, wearing only his Speedo and flip-flops glistening in sun-tan oil. (I’m not sure why I would even want to imagine this now that I think of it, but even if I wanted to, I don’t see it happening.) Instead, a guy like Gretzky always seems to be wearing a sweater with a turtle neck, and if he’s feeling naughty, maybe a “mock” turtle neck. Meanwhile, a “hot weather” guy like Ronald Regan looks very much at home in a cowboy hat, sunglasses, and maybe a little scarf around his neck. (You know, to hide his turkey neck. Which reminds me. Maybe they should call those high-neck sweaters “turkey-necks” instead of turtle necks since they hide your turkey neck, so to speak.)

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall, so I can ride my horsey through it. You see, that’s a rugged “hot weather” guy for you. (Getty Images)

Hot and cold represent so much more in our society than the weather. They define persona as well as approaches to living. Think of all of the songs for example that utilize hot and cold.

“Hot” songs

1. Hot Blooded (Foreigner) — About getting laid of course
2. Hot Child in the City (Nick Gilder) — Again, I think it’s about sex with a hot child…in the city.
3. Hots on for Nowhere (Led Zeppelin) — Who knows? They never mention the names of their songs in their songs, so it’s hard to say.
4. Some like it Hot (Power Station) — Um, sex. Yeah, it’s probably about sex.
5. She was Hot (Rolling Stones) — Wait, don’t tell me. It’s about sex with a girl who is hot.

“Cold” songs

1. She’s so Cold (Rolling Stones) — Trying to have sex, but alas, she’s so cold
2. Cold Hearted Snake (Paula Abdul) — About a guy who wants to have sex, but he can’t be trusted.
3. Stone Cold (Rainbow) — Cold as in distant I believe. Don’t ask Richie Blackmore, he’ll hit you with his guitar.
4. Baby it’s Cold Outside (Various Artists, usually associated with Christmas) — It’s cold outside. So cold, that we should stay in and have sex. Some consider this the “rapiest” of all Christmas songs. That’s probably true since that category is understandably and fortunately, a pretty tiny one.
5. Cold as Ice (Foreigner) — What happened? She was just “hot-blooded?” Man, that’s how fast things can dry up.

When it came to their sex lives, the boys from Foreigner tended to blow hot and cold, especially when it felt like the first time. (You Tube)

“Hot” attributes do seem to be the ones most people would wish to aspire to when you think about it. A “hot” individual is usually very attractive, and are most likely “hot-blooded,” which is to say full of passion, and they are typically up on what the “hot” trends are in our society. When things are going good they “heat up,” but must be careful that they don’t get to close to the flame, before settling down for the night, all warm and cozy.

“Cold” attributes tend to have a lot more negative connotations to them. People who are “cold” tend to be seen as standoffish, uncaring, and unsympathetic. They are “frigid” according to their partners, and have a “cold indifference” to those around them. When their luck has gone sour, you could say that they’ve “cooled off,” and are on a “cold streak.” They are “cool” to new ideas, and when they are sitting around doing nothing, they are at their happiest because they are “chilling,” but they are really not accomplishing anything. Of course, if they see something scary, it will “chill them to the bone.”

If not for “The Fonz,” nothing would be good about being “cool.” (Getty Images)

Okay, it’s time to figure out whether you are a “cold” or “hot” person. Here’s a quick quiz that should help you figure out where you are most comfortable, and perhaps, before it’s too late, save yourself, from, yourself.

1. Do you prefer to walk around in socks or bare feet?
2. Sweaters, sweatshirts, and knit hats, or shorts, baseball hats, and flip-flops?
3. Hot Chocolate or chocolate milk?
4. Wine or Beer?
5. Turn the heat up, or turn the air-conditioner up?
6. Log cabin or beach house?
7. Skiing or water skiing?
8. Coffee or iced tea?
9. Sand castles or snow forts?
10. Sitting by the cozy fireplace or sitting at an outdoor fire pit?

If you and your significant other answered the opposite to more than three of the above questions, then you most likely have a lot less in common than you thought, in which case things may have cooled off in the bedroom, which means you have to heat things up. You may wish to consider a heated water-bed. Or, would you rather dip yourself in a hot tub? You see, this is hard.