Coffee vs. Tea..oh, it’s on.

We are so divided as a society, is there anything left that we can agree on? Spoiler alert…no!

Coffee vs. Tea..oh, it's on.

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I’m beginning to wonder if there’s literally anything that we as Americans can’t debate or fight over. Politics, sports, music, race, religion, education, we seem to be born to be divided. They say humans are social animals, but evidence would appear to point to the contrary. While we as humans certainly are divided over much, the optimist in me believes we can overcome these differences and move ahead in a spirit of uniformity, that is except for the one area of divide that we humans will never be able to bridge, and that is the debate over coffee vs. tea. In other words, one of the many ways societal differences break down is not necessarily Democrat vs. Republican, or Conservative vs. Liberal, or even New England Patriots fans vs all that is good and wholesome, but over those who drink coffee vs. those who choose to only consume tea.

I’m not speaking of those who drink coffee all day, but will have a cup of tea before they go to bed to settle their stomach, I’m talking about those who simply can’t allow themselves to imbibe in a cup of coffee because it makes them jittery or whatever, but sprout off about the benefits of tea as if it’s some sort of ancient Chinese secret. (Everybody knows that the only true ancient Chinese secret that is to be found is in “Calgon.”) There’s a battle brewing between those who drink coffee and those like to sip their tea, and believe me folks, there’s no winners here. (But if there was it would be the coffee drinkers.)

I’m pretty sure one of these is a cup of coffee, although it looks like some sort of arts and crafts for hipsters. (Getty Images)

So many things that we enjoy seem to have an opposite that tends to represent the things that we don’t. In fact where you fall in this never-ending list of likes and dislikes probably says more about you as a person than almost any other of your traits or behaviors. Look at all of the choices available to us. Whichever one you find yourself favoring or enjoying will most likely explain everything of any value that there is to know about you.

1. Coffee vs. Tea
2. Ketchup vs. Mustard
3. Vanilla vs. Chocolate (Careful, there are racial connotations to be negotiated here.)
4. The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones
5. Biggie vs. Tupac
6. Jets vs. Giants
7. Yankees vs. Mets
8. Hot Dogs vs. Hamburgers
9. Tuna Salad vs. Egg Salad
10. McDonald’s Vs. Burger King

On and on it goes, and yes, there’s always going to be one of those guys who will tell you, “Ketchup vs. mustard, honestly, I like barbecue sauce.” Oh, good for you sir, you probably voted for Gary Johnson the Libertarian candidate in the last presidential election. Aren’t you the clever one.

The above picture is for those of you who think I’m the only one who cares about these things. It’s a fierce battle to be sure. However, if you could only bring one to a desert island, which would it be? (You Tube)

All of our choices in these never-ceasing rivalries reveal so much about us and our character. For example, those who enjoy vanilla over chocolate are revealing themselves to be bland, plain, or just dull. Vanilla is even used as an adjective to describe those attributes for almost anything that lacks pizzazz or excitement. Once when I was watching the program Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the now star of Chopped, Ted Allen described Billy Joel as the vanilla ice cream of music. (Firstly, I’d like to point out that I was watching that program for research purposes only, and second, Billy Joel is awesome, and for that matter, so is vanilla ice cream.) The same goes for ketchup. Anybody who enjoys it on anything other than a hamburger is viewed by society as a rube or a Philistine. (For those of you who haven’t studied the Bible, the Philistines were infamous for putting ketchup on everything from humus to shawarma, hence the put down.) meanwhile, mustard on the other hand comes in a variety of flavors and formats ranging from the completely pedestrian “yellow,” to the hoi palloi of “Grey Poupon.” Mustard is the richer and bolder alternative to ketchup just as Marilyn Monroe was the superior alternative to Jayne Mansfield. (Although both would taste wonderful on a bun…whatever the hell that means?)

While some of the choices and rivalries that we find ourselves negotiating our way through demonstrate certain characteristics of our inner selves, there’s something more pronounced about the rivalry between coffee and tea. This unspoken rivalry between coffee drinkers and those who prefer tea goes well beyond the simpleton divide between let’s say McDonald’s and Burger King. Differing opinions regarding which fast-food burgers or fries you prefer is simply a matter of personal taste, or in some cases, one’s mood. Choosing coffee or tea as your primary hot drink of choice says so much more about us as individuals, that it just may be the most revealing thing that one can ascertain about one’s self…that comes in a ceramic, plastic, or styrofoam cup.

Making coffee has become such a cultural obsession that they now have a name for those who make the artwork that one finds in their lattes and cappuccino. What about those who serve tea? Do they get a name? How about “boil-pots?” (You Tube)

Coffee and tea are often offered up together so there’s a natural inclination to group them as twin sons of different mothers. We associate both of them with breakfast, airline offerings, mid-afternoon pick-me-ups, and after dinner conversational drinks. They can be fancy, foreign, too hot, too cold, consumed with sugar, artificial sweetener, milk, cream, or au natural. We have been known to consume both in ceramic cups, a metal thermos, styrofoam, plastic, fine China, as well as an endless selection of mugs that have everything from our names, to pictures of Garfield hating Mondays, to having the logos of our favorite teams, our children’s colleges, and if you dig deep enough into your cupboard, a mug with a picture of Bobby Sherman.

However, despite these seemingly endless similarities, they really couldn’t be more different, and every time you emphasize your preference for one over the other, you are telling the world as much about yourself as a dog can tell about another dog from smelling their butt-hole. (You know, without all of that awkward creepiness.) Sometimes, the mere act of choosing coffee over tea or vice versa can actually upset those around you. In his wonderful internet series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, Jerry Seinfeld meets his old collaborator Larry David for coffee. David proceeds to order tea, and points out that one of the bones of contention that existed between he and his ex-wife Cheryl was that it annoyed her that he would drink tea when she was drinking coffee. He argued that there was no difference, they’re both in a cup and served hot, what’s the big deal? How could a man who has earned millions of dollars based on his painstaking observations regarding the minutiae of everyday life completely whiff on this observation. Larry, they couldn’t be more different.

(Larry David is a genius, but tea drinking doesn’t work in mixed company. It’s a solitary drink for those sensitive souls who seek their alone time, while coffee is conversational. (You Tube)

The coffee drinker of course has been around for years. We know and respect their grittiness as well as their hard-scrabble demeanor. Coffee has been humanity’s constant companion throughout the millennia. While the history of coffee dates back to the 15th century in Ethiopia, some believe it may go further back than that. It’s hard to imagine Moses dragging millions of Israelites out of bed at the crack of dawn in Egypt in the 5th century BCE, (Before Caffeine’s Effects.) without these mercurial Israelites having their “morning Joshua.” However, it is in Yemen where coffee is first historically documented, and from there it spread throughout the Middle East where it became known as the “Drink of the Desert.” (Although most likely not.) Today of course, nearly every country on Earth brews a coffee that befits their culture and tastes. South and Central America for example are considered to produce some of the finest coffee in the world. However, so does the Middle East as well as Africa, and now Vietnam has become a major producer of the magic bean. (The idea of calling Vietnamese coffee “Coffee by Charlie” however, did not catch on due to leftover sensitivities from the war.)

Tea claims an ancient history as well. According to Chinese legend, the history of tea can be traced all the way back to 2737 BCE, (Before Chinese Egg Drop Soup) when the Emperor Shen Nong accidentally discovered it while he was boiling water in his garden and a tea leaf from a nearby wild tea tree fell into his water. The Chinese as well as the Japanese seemed to have a monopoly on tea drinking, but the British, who eventually made everything their own, sort of took over the idea of having a cup of tea. The British began drinking it in the early 17th century, and now just the very idea of having tea in the afternoon is to conjure up visions of the Queen sipping her tea and snacking on crumpets while figuring out ways to keep Charles from inheriting the throne. (Right now it would appear that the best plan she has come up with for that is to never die.) Tea has now become a drink for healing you when your sick, preventing you from becoming sick, relaxing you when you are stressed, and as something to do in a Chinese restaurant while you wait for your soup to arrive.

If you ever go to England you have to participate in at least one high tea affair. The clotted cream and the other goodies will help you forget you are drinking tea in the middle of the day even though you aren’t even sick. (You Tube)

Who is the American coffee drinker? What does the fact that you are one of those people who loves his or her java say about you and the choices you make. After not so exhaustive research, I present my thesis, “Regarding Coffee Drinkers and Their Personalities.” (Soon to be a major motion picture.) The individual who chooses coffee is bold just like the drink they prefer. They may smoke cigarettes, or perhaps wish they did, but their hang ups regarding cancer and stinky fingers prevents them from acting upon their more primal instincts. They probably enjoy gambling including the stock market, and love to appear industrious and engaged in a variety of projects. They spend little time fretting about lost sleep due to caffeine, preferring to be awake late at night, while most likely enjoying an early rise so they can begin drinking their coffee. Coffee as well as coffee enthusiasts come in all shapes and sizes, and so there is a pot for all walks of life. The following includes a list of coffee lovers, and where they prefer to purchase their “Morning Joe.”

1. Police Officer/Firefighter — 7/11, Cumberland Farms — These public servants want their coffee on the go. No thrills, spills, or chills. Hot and simple, just like the women who adore them.
2. Construction Worker/Contractor — The Diner — He-men who do hard work, these blue-collar boys love a good diner cup of coffee, preferably with a bottomless cup. They might take one for the road to put in their ever-present thermos.
3. Hipsters — Starbucks/Uncommon Grounds — You’re not worried about your coffee being too hot, after all, you’re wearing a ski hat in July, and your beard has rubber bands on it. Something from Ethiopia or even Sumatra that will allow you to discuss Indie Rock while pontificating about your concerns regarding the sustainability of the sock-eyed salmon which you eat along with chicken, but still call yourself a vegetarian is the coffee you seek.
4. Bloggers — Starbucks/Uncommon Grounds — You can’t be expected to write the great American novel one blog at a time if you’re not fully pumped up on some sort of turbo-charged drink. You need a hot beverage that says, I’ve got something going on, and you can tell I do by the fact that I’m sitting in a public coffee shop fantasizing about how many views the blog I’m writing about tighty-whitey underwear vs. boxers is going to bring in.
5. Senior Citizens — McDonald’s/Dunkin Donuts — You have nothing but disdain for these new fangled coffee shops with their lattes and macchiatos, who has time to decipher all of that? You just want coffee, and you want it hot enough to literally burn a hole in your Sansabelt slacks. Plus, if you show your AARP card, you get a 10% discount. Let’s not also forget all of the octogenarian hotties that strut their stuff in these fine establishments. Why do you need Tinder when you have the “Golden Arches.”

A cup of coffee in a diner is literally one of the best things about being an American. No dissertations, no questions, no queries, no guava or soy, just a rock-solid black cup of coffee, with creamers, and sweet ’n’ low, the most deadly of all artificial sweeteners. (Getty Images)

What of the American tea drinker? Is he or she just as diverse and dynamic as their coffee drinking counterparts? Tea drinkers would seem to be kinder and gentler souls. They may take the time to stop and smell the roses. They love to sit, sip, and frolic amongst the tea leaves. They see tea as a lifestyle. It is medicinal, relaxing, and perhaps a drink for a more sophisticated palate. Others may see them as distant, off-putting, and arrogant. “I’m sorry you don’t like coffee, here, have some tea, would you like some honey? How about some Chai? You can drink that while do your yoga that you apparently have to have an entire set of outfits for. How about this? Every time you go more than five minutes without farting on the yoga mat, you get a sip of whatever fancy-ass tea it is you’re getting all orgasmic over. By the way, drinking tea doesn’t make you superior to those who drink coffee, it just makes you more difficult. Oh and by the way, what on God’s green Earth is bubble tea?” Sorry, I let my bias come through ever so slightly. Anyway, here’s a breakdown of tea drinkers and where they can find their drink of choice:

1. The Zen Buddhist Wannabe — Far Eastern Tea Shops — These are the people who like their tea from Asia. They claim it cleanses the soul, and rids their bodies of antioxidants.
2. The Adult Who Doesn’t Wish to Grow Up — Anywhere Normal People Would Drink Coffee — This is the guy who never grew up enough to drink coffee. “I’m sorry, I don’t like coffee.” However, they know that they can’t keep ordering chocolate milk so they’re reduced to tea, most likely Lipton.
3. The Dieter — Anywhere They Serve Mint or Other Flavored Teas — Tea fills them up so they don’t have to eat. I’d rather be fat.
4. The Yoga Enthusiast/Meditator/Massage Lover — Tea Shops — These are the people who do one session of transcendental meditation or go to one yoga class, or walk into a massage parlor, have a cup of Chai and then claim to have seen Nirvana, which is absurd because everybody knows Kurt Cobain killed himself years ago.
5. The Infirmed — Whatever You Have at Home — If you’re not feeling well, you have a cup of tea, especially if you have a cold, or a stomach virus. This reminds you to get better quickly or you’ll have to keep drinking this garbage.

Oh my God, you’ve managed to completely detox while still maintaining all of your pretentiousness. Solid job. (Getty Images)

Listen, we are a divided nation, and I’m sure there are good people on both sides. Tea drinkers will be fine as long as they understand that they should stay in the right lane on the highway, avoid going to too many places in their yoga pants, and come to the realization that coffee drinkers would never have been so wasteful as to throw their favorite beverage off of a boat in order to make some sort of inane point about taxes. We coffee drinkers follow the rules, and pay our taxes just as we’re told. We don’t hide out caffeine obsession behind some fancy exotic tea. Coffee drinkers will continue to keep the world spinning while you tea drinkers continue to detox and meditate. We got this.