Christmas movies can teach us much.

  1. The Santa Claus — My son loved it, and I know Tim Allen has his fans, but everything in this movie ranging from his annoying ex-wife, to his way too adorable kid, to the scene where Tim Allen and his son are eating a lonely meal in Denny’s on Christmas Eve with all the other divorced dads would bum anybody out. Keep in mind, I’m neither Christian nor divorced, and I still found it depressing.
  2. Christmas with the Kranks — Another Tim Allen specialty, this time with Jamie Lee Curtis. This one focuses on the idea that a neighborhood family can’t go away for Christmas since they put up the best decorations. I’m not sure what the lesson here might be other than, try to steer clear of Tim Allen movies, unless he’s playing “Buzz Lightyear.”
  3. Four Christmases — I’m usually a fan of Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon, but despite a cast that includes Robert Duvall, Mary Steenburgen, and a completely jacked up Jon Favreau, this silly slapstick farce fails as a Christmas date movie, other than you will find yourself constantly turning to your date and saying, “Boy, this is really stupid.”
  4. Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas — Again, another great cast including Jim Carrey and Jeffery Tambor, and it was directed by Ron Howard, and yet, it’s so long and boring, in addition to the fact that you literally can’t understand a word Jim Carey says, you have to wonder why they tried so hard to recreate something on-screen, that never needed to be recreated.
  5. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians — Santa unloads against the green hoard! More protectionist, populist tripe. Next time Santa, build a wall.
  1. Always snoop through your big brothers’ stuff. You never know what might come in handy.
  2. Befriend old men who walk around the neighborhood with a shovel. Keep your friends close, but, your enemies closer.
  3. The only type of musicians that you can trust your wife with are those who play in polka bands
  1. No matter how much of a prick you are, you can still find redemption. Since Scrooge was a good few years older than I am now, I have plenty of time to clean up my act.
  2. Apparently, if you give people money, all is forgiven, but if you ask for people to pay you back, you are a selfish miser.
  3. It is absolutely to your benefit to eavesdrop on people you know so you can find out what they really think of you, and what they do inside the supposed privacy of their own homes.
  1. George could have been a millionaire many times over if he had taken the business offer extended to him from his very rich and successful friend, Sam Wainwright. If your friends offer you a business deal, and they’re already rich…take it!
  2. When you are about to leave on your honeymoon, and the town has gone completely insane due to a “bank run,” you might as well go enjoy yourself. Your problems will still be there when you return. When my wife and I were returning from our honeymoon in 1987, the stock market crashed. Whatever?
  3. If you want to get some action, and you’re 22 years old, go to a high school dance. George had his choice of “babe’s” at the dance, and ended up with Donna Reed. Nothing wrong with that.
  1. For starters, obviously, be careful what you ask for. Ralphie almost ended up like Sammy Davis Jr.
  2. Always have a good Chinese restaurant in reserve in case your Christmas dinner is ruined, as Ralphie’s family learned the hard way. Of course, all Jewish families are well aware of this.
  3. Never, never, ever stick your tongue on a frozen metal pole in winter…unless you’ve been dared of course.
  1. Try not to fire workers right before Christmas. There’s a good chance they will return drunk with a rifle, and a score to settle
  2. Don’t cast Buddy Hackett as Ebenezer Scrooge, ever, for any reason.
  3. If somebody gives you several pounds of veal for Christmas, consider yourself blessed.

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Rob Hoffman

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