5 Cures for COVID-19 That Absolutely Don’t Work

Medical quackery now has top billing

Medical quackery now has top billing

Wanted: Somebody with a really deep and resonating narrator voice to read the following:

In a world, where a man who has advocated for, or put his name on the following brands of failed products and businesses, including but not limited to; vodka, steaks, water, an airline, a board game, a magazine, a “university,” and of course several casinos, that man is now prepared to bless us with his greatest advice yet, how to cure the horrible and deadly virus, COVID-19. His solution, a hearty helping of hydroxychloroquine, because, what have you got to lose? As well as a little bit of ultraviolet light, shined on the inside of your body of course, and last but not least, a little bit of lysol in a syringe. A very, very powerful, and great cleaner.

For those who support the president, the last week or so hasn’t been easy. In fact, I believe that we can break down Trump supporters into one of two categories:

1. Flat Earthers: This is that 38–42% that will stick with him no matter what. They will either defend what he says, try to explain what he says, try to explain to us that since we’re in a crisis, this isn’t the time for politics, or as one intellectual powerhouse recently said on social media after somebody posted Trump’s “advice” regarding the injection of Lysol into the body, that the video was doctored by the media to make it look like Trump had said it. Of course the fact that Trump admitted he said it, but that he was being sarcastic meant little to the “Flat Earthers” who then tried to explain how in all actuality there was medical soundness in Trump’s advice that may or may not have been sarcasm. (I gotta tell you , I’m exhausted just trying to explain what these people believe and say, and no, I don’t understand how they do it.)
2. Silent but Stealthy: This is the group who voted for Trump in 2016 because they couldn’t stand Hillary, or simply thought that Trump would cut taxes and that the economy would really take off. Yes, the economy was doing very well for many up until about two months ago, so now these people are keeping a low profile, and hoping that things turn around. These individuals understand how badly Trump has mismanaged this situation, and that these press conferences where he recklessly makes recommendations based on whatever he has pulled out of his ass on any given day are comical at best, and dangerous at worst. They’re hoping that things get better, but they’ve given up on his ability to handle the situation, refuse to discuss it, and their support of the president is wavering.

How do you go from being one of the most respected men in medicine and government, as well as toiling in obscurity to becoming a villain amongst hard-right Conservatives and Trump fanatics? Easy, tell the truth based on science and fact. (Getty Images)

While Dwight Eisenhower might have been our first television president, no president has been more influenced by television than Donald Trump. Almost all of Trump’s talking points emanate from what he hears on Fox News, or since Fox has actually been critical of the president of late, his new media darling, a network very few people have heard about called One America News, or the OAN. However, for a man with a notably short attention span, even President Trump must tire from watching cable news. This is where my sleuthing skills come in to play.

When I saw that Trump was advocating bright light as a cure for the coronavirus, I immediately knew what he was talking about. Trump, not unlike myself is obviously a fan of the original Star Trek. As any “Trekkie” knows, there’s a classic episode of the program where the Starship Enterprise travels to a planet that is having a pandemic. As they approach the planet, they encounter a small ship that is heading directly for the planet’s sun on a suicide mission of sorts. The Enterprise tries to tell the ship that they are going to destroy themselves, but the pilot of the ship won’t listen. Finally they hear him say just before his ship burns up that he was free. Captain Kirk, Spock and Dr. McCoy beam down to the planet and find these yucky rubber looking organisms hiding in the shadows that can fly, land on a human’s back and inject spores into the spinal cord of their victims. They then use horrible pain that they can inflict to control their victim, making them do all sorts of terrible things.

They take one of the creatures with them back to their ship and try to figure out how the sun played a role in “freeing” the pilot of the ship from the terrible pain, and the control of the creatures. They use the two properties they know the sun has, heat and radiation, but neither seems to work. Finally Kirk figures out that the brightness of the sun, its light might kill the creature. They test it out and sure enough the light kills the creature. They are able to set up high intensity light beams that kills the creatures on the planet as well as those that have inhabited human bodies. The light kills the organisms, everybody has a good chuckle on the bridge, and then it’s “Mr. Sulu, warp factor two.” I’m sure that Trump saw this episode, and that’s why he’s advocating for light. I feel you Mr. President, Star Trek possesses the answers for all of life’s challenges and problems. You see, I told my father when I was growing up that I wasn’t wasting my life watching these over and over on WPIX-11.

Here you can see light destroying the organism, and once again President Trump being vindicated. (You Tube)

I suppose in fairness to the president, the concept of medical quackery is as old as the existence of hominids on this planet. Living species get sick, and living species have been aware of this terrible reality for a long time, long enough to understand that feeling lousy is a lousy feeling. Neanderthal man for example, (A species of hominid that I share more DNA with than the average human being which would explain my tufts of back hair.) were known to drill holes in the heads of their brethren in what would have appeared to have been feeble attempts to cure what was ailing them. This begs the question: “How bad must whatever it was that was ailing them have been that the idea of drilling into somebody’s head seemed like a good alternative?”

“Take two aspirin, and then I’ll drill your head open in the morning.” Neanderthal man may have been the first species of hominid to attempt medical treatments. However, the cost for seeing a Neanderthal “doctor” could be intimidating. Some of these “physicians” could charge as much as five fur pelts so it was really important that one had a good medical plan. (Getty Images)

Throughout our history, people posing as experts have been able to hoodwink at least a percentage of the population into believing that any slick talking salesman can overcome whatever ails you with whatever they are selling out of their bottles. For example, business tycoon, and part-time pervert John D. Rockefeller’s father used to sell phony cancer cures out of the back of his wagon. Remember, this was a man who proudly boasted that he cheated his children all the time in order to make them sharper. It must have worked on his son John because he became the richest man in the world. Of course as an older man he would drive around with young woman on either side of him and then under the blanket that he had placed on all of them to keep them warm, proceed to get busy with his old-man hands, but still, he was a victim of bad parenting so all’s forgiven.

History is ripe with phony cures and claims regarding how best we can treat the scourge of illness and disease. Here are a few of the all-time classics:

Outrageous Medical Treatments:

1. Snake Oil — Everybody calls anybody who sells dubious cures for sickness a “Snake Oil Salesman,” but snake oil was really used for medicinal purposes. Snake oil was an actual medical treatment. The oil, extracted from Chinese water snakes ,(China…again! C’mon you guys!) can be rubbed on limbs that are sore with arthritis and bursitis.
2. Cocaine — Apparently when it was dropped into people’s eyes, it could be used by surgeons who did eye surgery to make the eye immobile and desensitise the pain. It became so popular, people could buy it right out of the Sears catalogue, or in their favorite drink, Coca-Cola. However, it did have some nasty side effects such as lack of sleep, hallucinations, and depression. Say what you want, but it definitely made Lawrence Taylor and Doc Gooden much more formidable in their time.
3. Fen-Phen — Released in the early 1990s, it appeared as if finally there was a diet pill that worked. Trials that were commissioned showed an average weight loss of 30 lbs per person. However, it also had a nasty side effect on the human heart causing valve failure which proved to be fatal.
4. Lobotomies — People scoff at Neanderthal man’s attempt to cure people by drilling into their skulls, but thousands of years later, there we were again, drilling into our brains for our own good. Lobotomies were the “brainchild” of Walter Freeman who thought he had figured out a way to help the psychologically and emotionally distraught. The process involved jamming an ice pick through people’s eye-sockets to sever the connections between a person’s frontal lobes and thalamus where Freeman believed the problems existed. It was first used in the 1930s, and many at first believed it to be a success. However, it left many people in a Kim Jong-un kind of vegetative state. The two most famous victims of lobotomies are Rosemary Kennedy, sister of President John F. Kennedy, and Jack Nicholson as R.P. McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. In both cases, the results were not encouraging.
5. Shock Treatments for Impotence — These treatments consisted of rods with currents running through them that were placed inside a man’s urethra. Um, I’m going to stop us right there. I’d rather be impotent.

Trust me, you definitely don’t want to look. (Getty Images)

Somewhere between the void that exists between medical science, and so-called “snake oil salesmen,” you have the home remedy. Home remedies are a part of every family’s traditions. We all have little tricks we try that help us survive when a trip to the doctor isn’t an option. For example, everytime I have the hiccups, I take a teaspoon full of sugar, and drink a glass of warm water as fast as I can. It works every time. Most home remedies are aimed at alleviating pain. For example:

1. Turmeric — This spice helps with arthritic pain
2. Chili Peppers — They help with pain and soreness, but be careful, they shouldn’t be ingested if you can’t handle your spice.
3. Ginger — Ginger can be used to treat pain, and nausea. Now, anyone who had a good mommy knows that ginger helps with nausea, that’s because their mommies gave them ginger ale to drink to settle their stomach. Thanks mom!
4. Lavender — As those purveyors of “Essential Oils” know, lavender helps with migraines and anxiety. My wife was a big believer in this for a while.
5. Mint — Supposedly it helps with muscle pain and digestion. I’m not sure eating a full sleeve of “thin mints” will accomplish this.

According to Bill Gates, we are most likely two years away from a vaccine for COVID-19. It’s important to have optimism and hope, so perhaps the president is simply trying to keep hope alive for so many distraught Americans by suggesting a few unorthodox methods for treating the virus. On the other hand, people who are sick and afraid are at the mercy of those who appear to possess some kind of authority or expertise, and with that comes responsibility. The president has made a lot of irresponsible and foolish statements regarding the virus that has put so many of our lives on hold, and so far, it hasn’t helped. Is it likely to change? No. Is there a solution? Yes, listen to Dr. Fauci and other people with the title “doctor,” including USS Enterprise Chief Medical Officer Leonard “Bones” McCoy. He, unlike the president, has seen the light.