10 Foods You Might Wish to Rethink.

Would you eat your favorite treat if it was named after a cad?

I'll have the Strawberry Stalin Shortcake.

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The other night I was doing one of the few things that I still find enjoyable thanks to the quarantine. No it’s not all of the “quaran-teaching” to all of the “quaran-teens” in my classes, that’s a blog for another day. Instead, it’s one of my favorite things to do late at night. It’s nothing tawdry I assure you, it’s just that now that I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn to get to work, it means I can stay up late and channel surf. I find this particular habit to be one of the most relaxing practices that a middle aged man can partake in. The television is mine, the remote is mine, and thanks to the good people at Spectrum, I am in possession of endless channels filled with what could generously be described as low grade tripe that is just sitting there for the asking.

The other night, like any good “miner,” I was able to sift through the sand until I stumbled upon a little ’70s gold. As I made my way through the premium channels I came across one of my favorite movies from my youth, Woody Allen’s classic comedy, Love and Death. (I know it’s become fashionable to retch at the very idea of even remotely enjoying anything that the “Wood-Man” plays any role in, but I can’t help it, I really love this movie. I did as a kid, and it still holds up. Of course this opens up another idea for a blog, “Bad People Who Produce Excellent Art….copyright!) The movie, for those of you who are not familiar with it, is about a cowardly villager in early 19th century Russia during Napoleon’s invasion played by Allen. He ends up impersonating Spanish royalty in an attempt to assassinate the French emperor, and spoiler alert, if one can claim spoiler alert for a movie that came out 44 years ago, he’s unsuccessful.

I don’t care what they say about you “Wood-Man,” if loving you is wrong then, well, okay, this picture probably isn’t the best example I could have come up with, but I’m sticking by you…just like Soon-Yi. (Getty Images)

There are many great scenes from this comedy classic, but one of the ones that especially caught my eye the other night was a scene where Napoleon was berating two humble chefs because apparently they were not making his namesake dessert, the “Napoleon” rich enough. He demands that they make it richer, “more cream,” and no raisins. He is especially irate because his spies have informed him that his mortal enemy, the Duke of Wellington, Arthur Wellesley is having a recipe made that will bear his name, “Beef Wellington.” In the movie Napoleon proclaims, and I don’t believe this is hyperbole by any stretch, that Wellington’s dish cannot be completed before Napoleon’s and that the future of Europe literally hangs in the balance.

I totally related to Napoleon’s rant. I’m sorry, but here there can be no debate. If you were ever lucky enough to have a dish named after you, there’s simply no way you would allow your namesake meal to be second best on any level. Our mortal coils are shed after just a few brief years on this planet, but a dish that bears our name is timeless, and will literally last forever. Now, if the person who a dish is named after turns out to be a cad or a heel, then you and I have a choice to make don’t we. We have to decide whether our moral compass will allow us to be steered towards a decadent dish named after an individual whose fame is mostly based on their infamy, or would we rather stick to bland tasteless benevelet dishes that honor the famous and popular who barely raise an eyebrow at their mention? Think of it as a case of the bland eating the bland. Care for some “Romney pudding” anyone?

“Perhaps that pastry was a little too delightful your chunkiness?” (Getty Images)

Of course, many foods are named after the people who invented or created them. For example a restaurateur and chef named Caesar Cardoni invented the Caesar salad, but most people think it was invented by Julius Caesar or at least that the salad was named in honor of the the great Roman leader. Naming a food after somebody who invented, inspired, or created a dish is fine, and for the most part, who even knows whether they were the kinds of individuals who we would have found off-putting? However it’s a whole other kettle of fish to name a dish after somebody famous who may or may not have played any role whatsoever in the development of that dish.

This idea of honoring people with a gastro-creation has become all the rage. If you go to New York City or Los Angeles, various sandwich shops and delicatessens specialize now in naming sandwiches after famous people. For example, a few years ago on a great episode on what is by far my favorite comedy of the last 15 years, Curb Your Enthusiasm, starring Seinfeld co-creator Larry David, a deli owner in Los Angeles that Larry frequented named a sandwich after him. At first Larry was honored, but upon hearing what the sandwich was, his temporarily inflated ego burst rather quickly. It turned out that the “Larry David” was composed of cream cheese, smoked sable, whitefish salad, and pickled onions on a toasted bagel. While the sandwich was “kosher,” and perhaps a delight to those who embibe in all of these different kinds of fishy contributions, Larry was not pleased. He understood, as do I that he was being given the Edsel of sandwiches. Larry can’t have this abomination go on knowing that his “friend” Ted Danson has a sandwich named after him at the same deli that consists of turkey, cole slaw, and Russian dressing. Larry’s outrage was, as mine would have been, palpable. He even fruitlessly attempted to trade sandwiches with Danson, but to no avail.

I should think that having a food item named after somebody, especially a sandwich would be the highest honor that a person could achieve. To have it sullied with a crappy sandwich that includes sable (I don’t even know what that is?) and whitefish salad, and pickled onions would be like getting a Presidential Medal of Freedom after it was given to Rush Limbaugh. You Tube)

Trying to figure out the hows and whys over who has a food named after them is a difficult task to say the least, but fortunately there’s a quarantine going on, and since my AR-15 is locked up, and my Confederate Flag is being dry cleaned and therefore I can’t attend any of the “Nazi-like” rallies to reopen my state, I thought I would dedicate my time towards exploring this important area of study. “Foods named for the famous!”

Foods Named for the Famous

1. Filet of Beef Prince Albert: The consort of Queen Victoria has an English white sauce and apple named for him as well as his signature beef dish. To the best of my knowledge, Prince Albert was an agreeable enough fellow with little blood on his hands so you can enjoy anything named after him with a free conscious.
2. Sole Bolivar: The famous South American revolutionary was a man with a whole lot of sole.
3. Scrambled Eggs a la Columbus: Whether you see the Italian explorer as being the man who brought two worlds together, or just a blonde haired version of Hitler, the scrambled egg recipe with ham, fried slices of bread pudding, and beef brains has enough questionable dietary choices to have you switching your allegiance to Magellan when pondering your favorite European explorer.
4. Cherry Garcia Ice Cream — Created by those two ultra-Liberal Grateful Dead loving hippies, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, this ice cream serves as a homage to their boy Jerry Garcia. It became one of their most popular and notable flavors. I would also mention that considering how much pot has been smoked at Grateful Dead shows and how often munchies have been elicited from said pot smoke, having a Jerry Garcia influenced snack is a win-win.
5. Hamantaschen: The ultimate revenge food for Jews everywhere. Hamantaschen is eaten during the holiday known as Purim. The holiday commemorates the Jews victory over the Persian minister Haman who as always seems to be the case in the history of the Jewish people, wanted to wipe them out. Haman wore a tri-cornered hat, and thus a fruit-filled pastry was born in the shape of that hat. Victory never tasted so sweet.
6. Reggie Bar: When Reggie Jackson, the great Hall of Fame slugger was pondering his move via free agency to New York City to play for the world famous New York Yankees, he stated that if he came to New York, they would name a candy bar after him, and so they did. It was a sizable piece of chocolate with caramel and peanuts, but on the day the Yankees presented it to their fans, the Yankee faithful “honored” Jackson by tossing them at him as he stood in right field.
7. Kaiser Rolls: Emperor Frederick V, has these made for him by a Viennese baker who stamped his profile upon them. They are truly the king of all rolls.
8. Napoleon: The famous French conqueror may or may not have been the inspiration for this world famous pastry. However, if not for the French revolution, it wouldn’t have existed and all of history would have been different…in the world of desserts.
9. Baby Ruth Candy Bar: Was it named after President Grover Cleveland’s daughter who died young or that George Herman Ruth guy who played for the Yankees. If so, then the Yankees have two players with candy bars named after them who both played right field. What’s up with the Mets? Don’t they merit any consideration? How about the Dave “King Kong” Kingman kielbasa? (Oh wait, some might get the wrong idea.)
10. Beef Wellington: Of course I could not leave out Arthur Wellesley’s namesake. Anybody who defeats Napoleon deserves some sort of honor that survives him 200 years later.

As a child I could never figure out why a man from biblical times would wear a hat from the Revolutionary War, or why eating his hat was a good thing? Also, is the prune in the middle supposed to be his brains? (Getty Images)

Most people don’t bother to figure out if the food that they enjoy are named after a hero or a cad. However, if one thought about it, would it give them pause? Would you eat the following?

1. Strawberry Stalin Shortcake: What if this murderous dictator enjoyed this springtime favorite. He was short and so is the cake, it fits. The red from the strawberries represents the blood on his hands and honors the 20 million he killed who had the nerve to stop applauding first everytime his name was mentioned in public gatherings.
2. Macaroni Mussolini: I should think that this dish would come with two huge meatballs just because when I think of Mussolini, I think of meatballs.
3. Trump Truffles: Could a “never-Trump” individual resist a sweet delicacy named after the 45th president? Oh wait, too late, it went bankrupt just like everything else he’s put his name on.
4. Lee Harvey Oswald Oranges: Nobody knows for sure if Oswald killed JFK or if he’s even buried in his own grave, so these oranges might, or might not have pits. You’re kept guessing right up to the time you peel it, just like your attempts to peel back the JFK assassination.
5. Mao-shoo Pork: They say that up to 15 million people starved to death under Mao’s forced collectivization policies in China in the 1950s and ’60s. Therefore this dish really should just be empty wraps with hoisin sauce, a carb lovers delight, but alas, nothing to fill them.

I know what you’re all thinking. “Rob, what kind of food would you like named after you?” Hey, I’m glad you asked. When I was in college, a buddy of mine worked at Pizza Hut, and he was often in a position to send free pizzas to our fraternity house. Whenever he would ask me, I would always tell him, meatball, sausage, pepperoni, bacon, and hold the veggies. My fraternity nickname was “Chum-Lee,” and so this particular style of pizza came to be known as the “Chum-Lee Special.” I enjoyed this honor immensely, but I’m thinking that a sandwich is the only way to truly honor somebody. Therefore, if I was going to have a sandwich named for me it would have to contain:

Fresh Rye Bread, corn beef, pastrami, and chopped liver, and of course good Jewish deli mustard.

What would I call such a delicacy? Simple: A “Rob-Attack!” Why? Because it’s my tastes in your face, and you’ll probably have a heart attack after eating this. On the menu, I’d insist on it being #41 in honor of the great Tom Seaver, my favorite athlete of all time. Don’t worry, I’m not leaving Tom Brady out. His sandwich would be two rice crackers with hummus, pickled red onions, olives, and head cheese. I would name it the “Tom Trash.” Bon appetite!